jumia

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Mr Ibu Showers Wife with praise, says she is the most beautiful woman in the world

Popular Comedy actor, Mr Ibu, has said that his wife is the most beautiful woman he has ever met and in the afterlife both of them will still be together.

Shoprite Opens In Asaba

The Delta State Governor, Gov Ifeanyi Okowa, has commissioned Asaba Shopping Mall/Shoprite. Asaba Shoprite is located strategically at the popular Interbau Round about where Summit and Okpanam Roads intersect just by the flyover.

Let the shopping begin.

FG to ban importation of used cars into the country

It seems this APC Government has nothing better to do than to always think of ways to make life much more miserable for it's citizens. The government now wants to ban the importation of used cars into the country.

They are tasking local car manufacturers to build more affordable cars for the populace.

The Senate Committee on Privatisation has said it will propose a complete ban on the importation of used cars. The Chairman of the committee, Senator Ben Murray-Bruce, disclosed this while on an oversight visit to the assembly plant of Volkswagen of Nigeria Automobile Limited in Lagos on Monday.

How will the poor masses cope.

Final Year Student Of Delta State Polytechnic Murdered By Cultist Lover

Tragedy struck the Ogwashi-Uku community of Delta State on Tuesday as a final year female student of the Delta State Polytechnic, simply identified as Julia, was allegedly murdered by her cultist lover.

The deceased, who was in the department of Mathematics and Statistics, was murdered in her room in a private hostel off Polytechnic Road in Ogwashi-Uku.

According to one of her co-students in the hostel who spoke with SaharaReporters, the man, whose name has yet to be ascertained, had spent the previous night in the room of the deceased, and had stolen her ATM card.

"After her cultist lover had left the following day she received an alert of a N100,000 deduction from her bank account where she discovered her ATM card was missing. Not comfortable with the development, she went straight to her bathroom to take her bath. Immediately after that, she received another alert of N45,000 making it N145,000 that was [withdrawn] from her account by the unknown person.

"Before leaving for the bank, she complained to us [about] the strange development. Again, on her return from the bank where she went to complain, she told us the bank assured her that the culprit could only be known and arrested after going through their CCDC camera. She was told to go home and report back the following [day] before meeting her untimely death," the co-student said.

The source speculated that unknown to anyone in the hostel, the suspect sneaked into Julia's room and murdered her with a battle axe, locked the corpse inside the room and ran away with her keys.

"Not until the next morning when everybody became apprehensive of her whereabouts and we [had] to break her door where we saw her lifeless body with blood stains everywhere in the room. Immediately we raised the alarm and everybody in the area rushed down and the matter was reported to the Ogwashi-Uku Police Station," the source narrated

Repeated calls to the new Delta State Police Public Relations Officer, DSP Andrew Aniameka, were not answered. However, a source at the Ogwashi-Uku station who didn’t want to be identified confirmed the story, adding that the police and the bank are currently working around the clock to arrest the suspect, who is on the run.

SaharaReporters learned that the remains of the late Julia has since been buried in her home town.

Via Saharareporters.com

NYSC Corper Dies In NYSC Kano Camp

An NYSC 2016 Batch B Corps member just died in Kano camp due to negligence by the camp officials.

According to reports, camp officials refused to treat the girl, Ifedolapo, when she complained of sickness thinking she wanted to dodge parade and she died of complications. RIP Ifedolapo, may your soul rest in peace.

New Music: Ompa By Elibankz

Hot new music from upcoming artiste Elibankz from Akacity titled Ompa. Music is dope AF. Download, listen and share with friends.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Ever played monkey post?

Monkey post!!! This game brings the best skills outta you to enable your team win. Want a perfect goal? Make sure your ball is a grounder!!! We even had to make a net over the measured iron monkey post to always avoid a fight with a friend.

If you smart wear booth come you either remove your booth or sit down watch people when dey use ordinary leg play, who you want wound, the game dey make sense pass if na marking( money at stake) choi I be complete back man I dey chingum post like mad I miss the ball your leg don go, if you score I raise argument straight, either na corner stone, over, or high ball and as I start the argument my team go join me immediately na fight dey end am.

To score for this game na die. Extremely hard.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Ondo Governorship Election Results Update From Polling Units

Results have begun to trickle in from the various wards where voting have ended in the Governorship election in Ondo state.However, note that these are not the original result statement from INEC but a collation from various social media tweets of numerous election observers on ground at the polling units and wards in Ondo state.

INEC’s original statement is the final and sacrosanct result and we await it.

Meanwhile, below are the results as they trickle in.

The RESULT from Akure South ward 3, polling unit 024A—
(1) FUTA GATE, AKINDEKO HALL..
ACCORD-2
AD-15
APC-35
PDP-20
SDP-2

(2) Elegiri/Ifedore LGA
PDP- 37
APC-23
AD- 6
ADC- 2
PPA- 1
(3) Ward 9 unit 22, Akure south
APC 46
Pdp 43
Ad 16

Result from Ondo Governorship election
(4) Fagun Ondo Ward 11,Unit 1.
Ad: 26
APC: 30
PDP: 104
(5)Akungba LGA Ward 10, Pu 14
Apc 192.
PDP 115,
AD 76
SDP 41
(6)Unit 15b, Ward 7, ONDO WEST.
APC-29,
AD-16
PDP-47
(7)LAGBOJA UNIT 010 ODE AYE WARD2
APC 77,
AD 68,
PDP 91
(Ward 6 unit 1, Akure South, Ilekun Oda Road.
AD 44,
PDP 50,
APC 53.
(9)Unit 3, Ward 11, ONDO WEST (LA 2):
PDP 86,
APC 44,
AD 26
(11)Igboroko II, Ward 3, Unit 11
APC: 113
PDP: 9
AD: 3
SDP:
NCP: 1
PPA: 1
LP: 1
(12) Results in… Unit 17 Igboroko (Ahmadiya grammar school) 2 ward 3 Owo LG.
AD…. 01
PDP…..05
APC….. 262.
(13)Unit 15, Ward 7, ONDO WEST (St. Paul)..
APC-32,
AD-19,
PDP-59
(14)Unit 15a, Ward 7, ONDO WEST (St. Paul)..
APC-13,
AD-24,
PDP-45
(15)Unit 7, ijebu 1 w 4,
APC 200,
PDP 19,
AD 16,
SDP 2,
(16)Akure Sourton ward 2 unit 31
APC-51
PDP-103
(17)Akure Sourton ward 2 unit 32
APC-57
PDP-106
(18)Ondo west LG Ward 7 Unit 34
AD 41
APC 22
PDP 128.
(19)UNIT 35, Ondo west LG Ward 7 
AD 15
APC 17
PDP 66
UNIT 36
AD 29
APC 26
PDP 59
(20)Ondo west LG, ward 10, Unit 8a,
APC 28,
AD 28,
PDP 49.
(21)Unit 18 Oke Aro ward 8 Akure South
PDP 94
APC 64
Ad39
Sdp 3
Ppa1
Apga1
(22)Akure south ward 2 unit 027
PDP – 78,
AD – 46,
APC – 79
(23)Oba- Ile 2nd Gate Unit 2 Ballot Box 061056, Akure North
ADC : 3 ,
SDP: 3 .
ACPN: 1
AA; 1
APGA 1,
APC . 67.
AD 34.
PDP 49
(24)Oba- Ile, Akure North Ballot 060888..
AD. 31.
APC 82.
PDP 50.
(25)Igboroko II, Ward 3, Unit 10
APC: 234
PDP: 15
AD: 9
SDP: 3
LP: 2
(26)OBOTO UNIT 2, WARD 7, ONDO EAST:
PDP 87,
APC 42,
AD 32
(27)Unit 18 Oke Aro ward 8
PDP 94
APC 64
Ad 39
Sdp 3
Ppa1
Apga 1
(28)Unit 004I/Oke unit 004
Pdp 72,
Apc 80,
AD 46
(39)ENUOWA/ OBALALU, UNIT 8, WARD 1 ONDO EAST:
PDP 117,
APC 61,
AD 36.
(30)Ward 7, Unit 4 LOMITOTO (ONDO EAST):
AD 34,
PDP 135,
APC 25
(31)Ondo west LG Ward 7 Unit 34
AD 41
APC 22
PDP 128.
(32)Ondo west LG UNIT 35a
AD 15
APC 17
PDP 66
(33)Ondo west LG UNIT UNIT 35b
AD 29
APC 26
PDP 59
(34)Ondo west LG UNIT 36
AD 23
APC 17
PDP 71.
(35)Akure south ward 2 unit 30
apc – 29,
pdp – 71,
ad – 22
(36)Akure south ward 2 unit 33
ad – 48,
apc – 59,
pdp – 106
(37)Unit 13, Ward 7, ONDO WEST (St. Paul)Ballot box 2…
APC-29,
AD-17,
PDP-57
(38)lutitun ward 2, unit 3,
AD-102,
APC 96,
PDP 49,
SDP 37
(39)Unit 3, Ward 7, ONDO WEST (Ansarudeen):
PDP 135,
AS 36,
APC 57.
(40)Adebayo polling unit in Logbosere ward 04 result
APC – 87
AD – 44
PDP – 131
(41)Unit 4, Ward 7, ONDO WEST (Ansarudeen):
PDP 155,
AD 40,
APC 57
(42) Unit 3B, Ward 11, ONDO WEST (LA 2):
PDP 46,
APC 28,
AD 25
(43)Unit 003 Ilepa 2 Ikare.
APC,82
SDP,39
PdP 29,
AD,27
(44)Isuada Ward 9 Unit 18:
APC- 199;
AD- 23;
PDP- 11
(45)Isuada Ward 9 Unit 19:
APC- 68;
AD-17;
PDP-09
(46)Isuada Ward 9 Unit 15:
APC-192;
AD- 14;
PDP- 11
(47)Asuada Palace, Ward 9 Unit 17:
PPN- 1;
APGA- 1;
LP-1;
APA- 2;
PDP- 6;
AD- 9;
APC- 148.
(48)Unit 007,Ilara – mokin ,Ward 1
PDP – 135
APC -55
AD —-30
(49)Ondo west ward 11 unit 8
PDP… 134
Apc….. 70
Ad… 77
SDP.. 1
(50)Ondo West Ward 11 unit 2
AD 23
Apc 39
PDP 76
(51) Jegede wins own polling unit Ward 02, Unit 009, Sacred Heart Primary School
AD 32
APC 77
PDP 184
(52)Lumeko unit 005 Ode Aye ward2
Ad-57,
Apc-139,
PDP-57.
(53)Our result at ONIKOKODIYA:
PDP 90
APC 30
AD 75
ADC 6
APGA 1
NNPP 1
PRP 1
SDP 1
PDC 1
EPC 1
PPA 1
ACPN 1
(54)Ward 9 unit 22, Akure south
APC 46
Pdp 43
Ad 16
(55) Fagun Ondo Ward 11,Unit 1.
Ad: 26
APC: 30
PDP: 104
(56)Akungba LGA Ward 10, Pu 14
Apc 192.
PDP 115,
AD 76
SDP 41
(57)Unit 15b, Ward 7, ONDO WEST.
APC-29,
AD-16
PDP-47
(58)LAGBOJA UNIT 010 ODE AYE WARD2
APC 77,
AD 68,
PDP 91
(59)Ward 6 unit 1, Akure South, Ilekun
Oda Road.
AD 44,
PDP 50,
APC 53.

(60)Unit 3, Ward 11, ONDO WEST (LA 2):
PDP 86,
APC 44,
AD 26
(61)Igboroko II, Ward 3, Unit 11
APC: 113
PDP: 9
AD: 3
SDP:
NCP: 1
PPA: 1
LP: 1
(62) Unit 17 Igboroko (Ahmadiya grammar school) 2 ward 3 Owo LG.
AD…. 01
PDP…..05
APC….. 262.
(64)Unit 15, Ward 7, ONDO WEST (St.Paul)..
APC-32,
AD-19,
PDP-59
(65)Unit 15a, Ward 7, ONDO WEST (St.Paul)..
APC-13,
AD-24,
PDP-45
(66)Unit 7, ijebu 1 w 4,
APC 200,
PDP 19,
AD 16,
SDP 2,
(67)Akure Sourton ward 2 unit 31
APC-51
PDP-103
(68)Akure Sourton ward 2 unit 32
APC-57
PDP-106
(18)Ondo west LG Ward 7 Unit 34
AD 41
APC 22
PDP 128.
(69)UNIT 35, Ondo west LG Ward 7
AD 15
APC 17
PDP 66
UNIT 36
AD 29
APC 26
PDP 59
(70)Unit 20, Ward 7 ONDO WEST (Mr. Governor’s Unit) :
PDP 176,
APC 40,
AD 25
(71)Unit 22, Ward 7, ONDO WEST:
PDP 124,
APC 38,
AD 13
(72)Unit 23, Ward 7, ONDO WEST (Akure Garage):
PDP 178,
APC 45,
AD 38.
(73)Ward 7, Unit 16 result, Holy Trinity Pry. School, Ondo town.
PDP 142
APC 52
AD 66
(74)Alade Atosin Ward 2 unit 7
APC-204
AD-59,
PDP-61
(75)Methodist unit Igbotako ward 2
A P C:77,
P D P:80,
A D:50
(76)Ondo west ,ward 10, unit 10.
AD 42.
APC 46.
PDP 78
(77)Ward 7, Unit 17 result, Holy Trinity Pry. School, Ondo town.
PDP 92
APC 35
AD 60
Void 20
(78)Polling Unit 17 (Ijapo Estate):
SDP = 5.
APA = 1
APGA = 2
ACPN = 1
ADC = 1
AD = 50
PDP = 112
APC = 74
(79)Ondo west LG ward 10, unit 9
APC 50
Ad. 30
PDP 96.
(80)Odigbo ward 8 unit 2
AD:29
APC:66
PDP:27
(81)Odigbo ward 8 UNIT 1
AD:19
APC:45
PDP:45
(82)Akure Alagbaka pry school. Polling Unit 
PDP 147,
APC 138,
AD 118.
(83)Ward 8, Zone 2 (3units)
PDP 277
APC-139
AD-95

NEW RESULTS FROM POLLING UNITS

(84)In Ose ward 01 unit 02
PDP-58,
APC-148,
AD-61
(85)Ilaje constituency 1 unit 007
PDP – 15
APC – 25
AD. – 79
(86)Akungba LGA Ward 10, Pu 14
Apc 192.
PDP 115,
AD 76
SDP 41
(87)Unit 13, Ward 7, ONDO WEST (St. Paul)ballot box 1.
AD-16,
APC-39,
PDP-63
(88)Ondo west LG, ward 10, Unit 8a,
APC 28,
AD 28,
PDP 49.
(89)Ward 7, Unit 4 LOMITOTO (ONDO EAST):
AD 34,
PDP 135,
APC 25
(90)ENUOWA/ OBALALU, UNIT 8, WARD 1 ONDO EAST:
PDP 117,
APC 61,
AD 36
(91)Unit 15b, Ward 7, ONDO WEST…
APC-29,
AD-16
PDP-47
(92)LAGBOJA UNIT 010 ODE AYE WARD2 :
APC 77,
AD 68,
PDP 91
(93) Ese – odo Ukparama Constituency 1 :
APC 589 .
AD 172.
PDP 1251

Via Vanguard

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Rove Beetle/Tomcats /Electric Ants (Paederus) Is One Terribly Wicked Insect

The Rove beetle aka electric ant or tomcat(genus Paederus) is a very small insect that looks almost like a long ant. It is usually black and brown in color on the body. It always appears in Nigeria during the dry season and is usually attracted to lights at night and can enter your room through open windows and doors. The electric ant is dangerous because of the toxin that they carry which contains pederin – an irritant that is much more potent than Cobra venom.

Paederus does not bite or sting, but accidental brushing against or crushing the beetle over the skin provokes the release of its coelomic fluid which contains pederin, a potent vesicant agent. The morphology and location of the dermatitis change from case to case but usually resembles the accidental dropping of a caustic or hot liquid. 

The electric ant (also known as paapa or skirt and blouse) releases the toxin on anything it touches, especially human skin. Direct contact is not needed to experience skin discomfort or irritation however. That is because the toxin can be left behind on your towels, furniture or other things in your house. Secondhand contact might not cause the same level of irritation as direct contact, but it is still wise to be precautious especially if you have seen them hanging around your house as of late.

If you see the electric ant on your body, DON’T SQUASH IT! No matter how much you hate creepy crawly insects, try to resist the urge to smash it and grind it.

Hydrocortisone (1%), betamethasone and neomycin sulfate antibiotic or acyclovir 5% have been found to be effective in the treatment of skin irritation caused by the insect’s toxin.

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America. Happy Thanksgiving!

I want to sing...

... should I use my mouth?

Huge Crowd At Ojota Foot Bridge, Lagos

The number of pedestrians wishing to use the Ojota foot bridge to cross the express everyday is so huge that people spend an average of 30 minutes before they are able to cross the bridge.

There is human traffic congestion and 'go slow' on the bridge every day in the mornings and during rush hours. What's the possible solution to this?

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Your birth month is your husband

Husband has come. Husband material 9 yards, pick ya month.

Your birth month is your wife

Oya, what's your month? Pick ya wife.

Want to be a prophet?

So you want to be a prophet, ha? This is for you.

Which Time Would Prefer To Eat This Food?

Lunch or Dinner? What time would you prefer to eat this meal? Bole (roast plantain and stew, and sweet beef pepper soup.

Will MMM Nigeria Crash?

MMM Nigeria which boasts on its website of over 500,000 members is a time bomb about to explode.

All of the public discussions even on social media about the high rise of the Ponzi scheme in Nigeria are focused on the impact it has on enriching their lives and filling their pockets in a time where the economy is in turmoil.

But this focus on the benefits of the scheme diverts attention from the fact that it is still a Ponzi scheme.

By the way, many might wonder what a Ponzi scheme is. A Ponzi scheme is a form of fraud in which belief in the success of a non-existent enterprise is fostered by the payment of quick returns to the first investors from money invested by later investors. This is how MMM works!

MMM may be new to Nigeria but it isn’t new to the world. The scheme has been in existence since 1994. It was created in Russia by Sergei Mavrodi, his brother Vyacheslav Mavrodi, and Olga Melnikova. The company grew rapidly after it was able to attract money from private investors due to promises of annual returns of up to a thousand percent! By this, it was able to let the public believe its shares were a safe and profitable investment. The company at its peak was taking in more than 100 billion rubles (about $50 million) each day from the sale of its shares to the public.

However what happened next? On July 22, 1994, MMM offices were closed by the Russian police for tax evasion. For a few days the company attempted to continue the scheme, but soon ceased operations. At that point, MMM was owing between 100 billion and 3 trillion rubles to the investors (from $50 million to $1.5 billion). This led to 50 investors committing suicide having lost all of their money in the scheme.

MMM also began its operations in South Africa. Here, it claimed a 30% per month return through a “social financial network”. The group was later identified by the South African National Consumer Commission as a possible pyramid, and accounts of its clients ended up being frozen.

Now MMM has created a website in Nigeria putting forward the same claims it made in South Africa. And it is not a coincidence that the scheme was introduced at a time of economic hardship in the country.

Many Nigerians have been attracted to its promises. There is no doubt that some have reaped from the scheme (getting their 30% interest return).

There is a state of euphoria among its ‘’investors’’ who have been able to invite newcomers to the scheme.

But what surely comes next is a crisis. BOOM! The bomb explodes when the smart investors in the scheme realise that the high and rising interests are unsustainable and they, therefore, begin to pull out of the scheme. This will definitely collapse the structure of the scheme and thereby cause panic leading to more pull outs. This would later lead to the 1994 Russian scenario, hopefully with no suicides.

What happens next after this, one might again ponder.

Trust Nigerians, someone would have to be blamed. The government, politicians, the media, speculators, and even fellow MMM investors. Someone or people would be blamed for the calamity and the government would be requested to provide relief for their problems.

The Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) and the Securities & Exchange Commission (SEC) have constantly been warning Nigerians against the scheme but to no heed, with many raining insults to the money regulatory bodies.

It is a question of when, and not whether the MMM scheme will reach its point.

But one thing is clear. The longer the time bomb ticks, the larger will be the bang and damage when it explodes.

MMM, A Ticking Time Bomb | Information Nigeria

MMM Nigeria

MMM, short for Mavrodi Mondial Moneybox, has taken Nigeria by storm and people are buying into the idea of a a promise of 30% return on investment after 30 days. And many are sharing their testimonies of payments received from MMM Nigeria.

Here are 10 things you probably should know about MMM Nigeria.

1. MMM Nigeria is an offshoot of MMM Global - a Russian company that was responsible for one of the world’s largest Ponzi schemes in the 1990s. It was founded by Russian politician Sergei Mavrodi, his brother Vyacheslav Mavrodi and Olga Melnikova. The name of the company was taken from the first letters of the three founders’ surnames (MMM)

2. MMM Nigeria is a pyramid marketing scheme where you invest some money and within weeks, you get a 30 per cent return on investment.

3. Recent statistics from Alexa show that MMM is the visited site in Nigeria before Nairaland.com, Jumia.com, Twitter and far ahead of Lindaikeji.com, Vanguard newspaper and others.

4. The Central Bank of Nigeria early November warned Nigerians of the pyramid scheme. Also the House of Representatives has asked the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, EFCC to go after the MMM promoters, condemning the scheme as unregulated by law and insecure.

5. According to Page One, Ernest Mbanefo, a Nigerian pastor (full name -Pastor Ernest Chigozie Mbanefo) based in South Africa registered and owns MMM-Nigeria.net domain.

This is in contrast with the believe that Sergei Mavrodi owns all MMM sites across the world.

PageOne report further reveals that Ernest Mbanefo with the address: 1 ROYAL STREET, LINDBERG PARK, JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA registered the domain on the 7th of June, 2016 (2016-06-07T17:01:12Z). He did a single year domain payment which means the domain will expire on 2017-06-07T17:01:12Z.

6. MMM Nigeria, through inference, now has over 600,000 members.

7. Recent Alexa ranking showed that over 99% of Nigerian young graduates are participating in the scheme while over 40% college students also engaged in the scheme, while 75% male and 25% female participating.

8. MMM could be said crept into Nigeria less than a year ago, as the operators and beneficiaries recently marked a year anniversary by donating items to the IDP camp – as part of the activities of their humanitarian week marking one year anniversary.

9. In January 2016 the Chinese government banned MMM on the grounds that it is a pyramid scheme, (Ponzi scheme), and it is not registered in the country (and as a fraudulent scheme cannot be registered.

10. MMM Recently Crashed in Zimbabwe: Thousands of 'Mavrodians' in Zimbabwe were left in tears when the scheme crashed, losing tens of thousands of their lifetime savings.

Will MMM crash in Nigeria? Only time can tell.

Guys make your choice

Which one would you prefer?

Best & Funny Naija Jokes

This is a collection of the best Naija jokes and funny Nigerian jokes. Nigerians are some of the funniest people on planet earth. Nothing seems to get to us. Please read, share and enjoy.

Akpos was being discharged from a Mental Hospital after doctors thought he was finally back to normal. He was put in an ambulance to be taken back home. He claimed he knew the house so he led the doctors. They took him to where he claimed he lived.

Just as they approached a certain house, two kids, dressed in uniforms came out of the house. Akpos screamed, "Those are my children going to school!"

A minute later, a woman came out of the same house and Akpos screamed, "That's my wife, she is late for work!" This time, the doctors were convinced Akpos was ok and took him out of the ambulance but was still in chains. 
Just as they were about unlocking the chains, a man came out of the house and Akpos screamed, "YES! THAT'S ME GOING TO WORK!" 
.......

Akpos, who was in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.

When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place."Obviously, his release was denied.

Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same.

"I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place." Again, he was turned down.

Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patients asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and Akpos told him.
The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."
So, after considerable coaching, Akpos felt that he was ready.

So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.

Akpos said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."
"Good," they said, and then what? 
He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating." They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what ?" 
"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed."

"Yes," they said excitedly.
"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do ?" 

He said, " I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place! 
.....

An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Nigerians are so dumb that he can fool them easily..,....,. so the lawyer asks if the naija guy would like to play a fun game. The nigerian is tired and just wants to rest, so he politely declines and tries to catch some sleep. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun "I ask u a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only 5dollars; you ask me one and if I dont know the answer, I will pay u $500. 
As naija no be dull guys naau, this catches the nigerian's attention and to keep d lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks d 1st question "what's the distance from earth to the moon? 
The naija guy doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out 5dollars the hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the omo naija turn. He ask the lawyer, "what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with four?
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches the internet and even the Library of Congress. He sends emails to all his smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After 1 hour of futile searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the naija guy and hands him $500. The nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. 

So he wakes the naija guy up the asks, "well, so what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with four? The nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer 5dollars and goes back to sleep.
.....

A man fainted outside Mr. Biggs (an eatery). Soon a crowd gathered around him and someone suggested,
“Give him some water, it will help.” Hearing this, the man opened one eye and said, “Commot from here, if na water I wan drink, I for go faint for DAM na.
……..

A man went on a night out with his
friends the wife is furious and tells
the kids that when he comes back
they must not open the door for him.

At about12 o’clock the man comes
back and knocks…
the Wife tells him “go sleep where your
coming from ” and the man
answered” I’m not here to sleep my
dear , I’m here to collect condoms in
my room on top of the table or give it
to me, there’r lots of women at the party!”

The wife opened the door and dragz him inside. sayin
“eediortt” you are not going anywhere enter now. me sef neva satisfied.
She locked d door
…….

AKPOS: My new bicycle has been
stolen.
POLICE: When did u notice?
AKPOS: This morning
POLICE: Do you have a suspect?
AKPOS: Yes,my mum and dad.
POLICE: why do u suspect them?
AKPOS: yesterday at midnight i heard
mum say make it stand well so I can
seat on it very well ”and dad said
”climb up fast before it falls .and mum
said ”push slowly slowly dont hurt
me……
.police hahaha o boy na senior
bicycle be that ooo
…….

Naijapolice..afta checking a man’s papers and everytin de intact.
Police > i beg borrow mi ya fone make i call ma friend
driver : i no get credit o
Police > Oga u no get credit 4 fone, so if u get accident now how u go take call ur people to come carry u ? oya park !!
…….

naija police.
After chekin d guy documents and notin to charge him for.
Police > bros anytin 4d boys
Seun > oga police notin o. I no de give u anytin
Police > but a sticker on ya car reads ‘ am a cheerful giver.
Seun > forget dt one, i jux put am dia, infact i am allergic to giving sef
Police : Paarrkk parkkk. You are arrested for deceiving and misleding d general public
…….

A husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up and carries her around the house. The wife is was
surprised and excited! She asked with smiles, “Did the Pastor preach on being romantic?” Out of breath the husband replies, “No, he said we must carry our burdens…”
Wife lands him a thunderous slap
…….

Akpos just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Abuja.
The manager told him “In here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant so you know how to address their every need even before they ask.”

Before the manager could finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quickly
approached them, nicely took their baggage and said,
“Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it is our delight to have you in our hotel. Please come this way to the reception” and he led them to the reception.

After the couple had been taken care of, Akpos asked the manager, “Has the couple been visiting this hotel before?”
“No” came the reply from the manager.
“So how come you knew their name?” asked Akpos.
“That is why I told you to be very observant. All I had to do was quickly look at the label on their baggage
while I’m taking it from them and see the name on the tag.”

“Oh, here comes another couple. Why don’t you give it a try?”
“Ok” said Akpos and he hurriedly approached the couple, helped them with their luggage and said,
“Welcome Mr & Mrs SUPERIOR HAND MADE LEATHER! We are delighted to have you in our hotel…”

The manager fainted!
……..

Akpos the house help, entered Madam’s room without knocking.
MADAM: Akpos, this is wrong, what if I was Unclad or dressing up?
AKPOS: That can never happen, madam.
MADAM: How can you be so sure?
AKPOS: I always peep first and if you are Unclad, I’ll just wait and watch until
you have dressed up before I enter.
Akpos is currently in the emergency room of a general hospital
……….

CUSTOMER: na wa oh! Person go dey call una on top him money, na nonsense music una go dey carry person play, abi una think say na flash i dey flash since?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: thanks for calling customer service. my name is kingsley, how may i help you?
CUSTOMER: help who? If i tell you my problem una go fit help me?? Na una get problem yet na una go dey ask person him own problem. For the past three days now,network no dey my phone, i no fit send text, call out or even browse, shey na by force to give the whole nigeria free browsing? Una carry the browsing wey people pay for
give people wey no pay still yet na promo una claim say dey happen, which kind level be
CUSTOMER SERVICE: we apologize for
any inconveniences sir, what’s your name and where are you calling from? CUSTOMER: na thunder go disvirgin all una mouth, na my name go solve the problem? Abi craze dey play draft with ur head? I say i collect number frm one fine girl since on Friday reach today, i never call am! And i wan carry am comot dis saturday today na Friday already, As i dey talk so i never fit
call am, make una no fall hand θ.. Cos ah don send am N1k card.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Hello November

As we leave October behind and usher in November, let your path in life be filled with great tidings and joyful new beginnings.

May this November be greater than others you have witnessed. Happy new month.