jumia

Monday, September 19, 2016

Did Manchester United Buy The Wrong Pogba?

Manu bought Pogba from Juventus the world record breaking sum of £89.3 million this year but the striker is yet to produce results. And we are here just wondering if Juventus did not sell the wrong Pogba to Manu?

Meanwhile On Nigerian Twitter...

... StanbicIBTC Bank is begging for N500.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Happy Birthday Niall Horan

One Direction star, Niall Horan is a year older today. The music superstar is celebrating his 23rd birthday today.
Niall Horan

Along with Liam Payne, Zayn Malik, Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles, Niall makes up one fifth of hugely successful boyband One Direction. The boys won their first BRIT award in 2012 for their single What Makes You Beautiful.

Happy Birthday, Niall!


Nigeria's Economy Is In Recession Because of Over-dependence On Oil - Lai Mohammed

THE Minister of Information and Culture, Lai Mohammed, Tuesday said Nigeria’s over-dependence on oil is to blame for the recession the nation’s economy is passing through.


Mr. Mohammed made the assertion at a news briefing at his residence in Oro, Irepodun Local Government Area in Kwara State.


He said the prevailing economic situation was not about trading blames,as “those who understand knew that this recession was bound to happen in such circumstance”.


He said the crash in global price of oil exposed the country’s defective economic policy, with oil accounting for over 60 per cent of the nation’s Gross Domestic Product (GDP).


The minister said the situation was further compounded by inadequate reserve to cushion the effect of oil “misfortunes’’ on the country.


“We have a very defective economic structure, which depended largely on a single platform of crude and fuel.


“Crude oil accounts for between eight and 12 per cent of our GDP and another 53 per cent of the GDP which we call non-oil, unfortunately also depend on the same oil.


“When the price of oil now crashes in the international market, definitely you are bound to have this kind of shock in the economy,” he said.


He decried the citizens’ preference for imported goods to local products, saying that substantial amount of the country’s foreign exchange earnings was being expended on importation of goods and services.


Mr. Mohammed also blamed past administrations’ inability to achieve massive investment on infrastructure to assist manufacturing industries and boost agriculture production for part of current problem.


According to him, such inadequacies are responsible for the socio-economic imbalance being experienced in the country today.


The minister, who acknowledged that there was growth in the nation’s economy between 2010 and 2014, however, said the growth was only fueled by consumption.


“The growth was not fueled by production or fueled by investment, and that explains why it was shortlived,” he said.


He said the present administration’s efforts to correct past anomalies could not be felt immediately because the rots in the system were too enormous for short term remedies.


Mr. Mohammed said the administration inherited a debt of N65 billion on fertilizer procurement alone.


He listed part of the administration’s reforms to include investment in infrastructure and agriculture production.


“People say we should not talk about what happened yesterday but it is pertinent to learn, understand and move away from past mistakes.


“In the whole of 2014 the government then, expended about N18 billion on roads, but spent N35 billion on travels.


“This year alone, we have spent N70 billion on roads.


“People say why are these steps not being felt immediately? It is because the last government refused to pay contractors between 2012 and 2015 even when crude was selling at 100 dollars per barrel.


“Out of the N70 billion being owed Julius Berger, we have paid N14 billion.


“If government was not owing Julius Berger in the past — and we paid N14 billion to them — you would have seen them busy on the roads,” he said.


He said “Change Starts with Me” initiative launched by the Federal Government on Tuesday was to instill discipline and the needed change of attitude in both the leaders and the people.


According to the minister, such remained the basic foundation and the driving force for actualising socio-economic transformation for the country.


“Nigerians have to change their attitude from the past; it is not only about the leaders but also the followers.


“This is the only way we can achieve our desired progress, growth and development,” he said.


(NAN)

Monday, September 12, 2016

Modern day Hitlers

Anytime I see an article about a superior tribe or race, I get worried. When people choose to say, a particular group of people is more "advancedq than other, I shudder not because it makes them better than me but I get memories. 

I imagine Hitler, Rasputin, the KKK, slavery, I remember the colonialists, I remember how people have subjugated others on the premise that they are better than them, I remember how the church for decades supported slavery because they felt better and slaves were less than them how the Arabs think they are better than their neighbors, I remember how people have grown in hate, greed and nauseting complexes just because some lunatic decided to grease their egos.etc. You see human beings are normal, until they attend that one conference, read that speech, watch that documentary or witness that first event that sparks off the embers of craziness but Kermit

A recent article by Reno Omokri who is sadly a pastor or evangelist (dont know and dont care) is not just dumb, it shows Reno to be what I have always though he was; a completely unintelligent person. It is not difficult to know when someone does not use his/her brains but decide to use emotions, political, religious and ethnic logic to ration things out. Funny thing is that this person is not just a religious leader, he used to be in government and is still a relevant person on social media. 

A race is better than others, a religion is better, a tribe is more technologically advanced than others from the lips of someone who had the ears of Nigeria's president and the followership of tens of thousands? Lawd have mercy. Wait, I think I should just strap on a Nazi shirt and start yelling "heil Hitler". Funnier is that, only few see it as silly or the dangers. Just another thing said that messes with your mind, sits in your subconscious and guides your actions. 

Just one more thing to mess up an already messed up world. 

Anyway, let me go see what ElNathan is up to, he sure has gone over the bend these days

Marriage Proposals For Yoruba Demons

So I just saw this video of a guy proposing to his girlfriend and asking her to marry him. He was on one knee, the ring and the whole nine yards and the next thing, this girl went off like a effing volcano

"What the eff? I am not going to marry you. Are you effing crazy? "

In public. 

See lets be honest, therr aint no way in hell that's going to happen to me. Thank God I am a Yoruba Demon anyway. If I ever find a need to pop such a crazy question, it will not be in public and it most certainly wont be a question like "will you marry me? "

BS aside, why would I want to put myself out like that? Like lay your heart out on a chance of having it crushed? I must hace hit my head to have that happen to me. 

What happened to you are both at a dinner and you say "errr……I have been thinking about this marriage thing……"

Or She made some bomb dinner and I go like "you know, I won't mind this type of life for the rest of my life if you are interested"

I mean the best proposal I have heard is by this guy who just had ex with his girl and she asked 
"You know you did not ue protection right? "

The guy was already half asleep and with his back turned said

"Whats the worst that can happen? You get pregnant and we get married. Isn't that what we both want?"

Real, short, no heart breaking replies and even if she turns it down, it is manageable.

Please, emotional trauma is not my thing abeg.

Setting up a piggybank

Fools rush in. 

Yes truely they do, but then being spontaneous is described as sexy and a sport for the brave and lion hearted. *rolls eyes* 

Keep rushing in and jumping eh. 

So at the begining of this year a friend from afar said on twitter that this year, everyone must save money. He actually suggested that people get "Kolos" (those little boxes that you throw spare money into) some people call it piggy banks but this is not a John Malkovic thing (reference reffering to the Movie "Red" where he yelled "I'm getting a pig" so lets just say I could not do this for a while but then having a Kolo is not my thing. 

But then I can just throw cash into my bank account which I do but then, I get these spare change that I wonder how they go in and go out. So I decided to do my own kolo last month but this was by registering with an "Alajo" (thrift collector) yes, it sounds so old school and 1930 but eff you. I was given this little white card and all, I picked an amount I felt was safe with and I could maintain even though I actually doubted that I could make that daily. 

So 21st of July, I started and my thrift collector comes daily. Well lets see how well that goes. 

Ake (Books and Arts )Festival comes up in November, and inside sources say registration will be 5k this year (inflation, exchange rates and all). It is not about the 5k though just that its Ake Festival. That 4 days which turns out to be some sort of meeting point of almost half of my active twitter followers. Last year it almost felt like a planned meet up between us, this year promises to be same. 

I remember last year, I actually saw a sculpture of my grand uncle(He is still alive too) in the Abeokuta cultural centre. I tell people I can easily claim to be from Ogun, Lagos, Ondo and Osun States and they dont believe and that was proof of my Ogun side Ota actually but dont make me pull out my Isale Awori in Lagos on you. Then there was the hall we named "Hall of Unclad women's paintings" cos that is what was there. Ake knocks……but will I go? Maybe I will but then, I am not feeling that book festival mood in me but the weather can change. 

Oh, Lola Shoneyin cut her braids. I think she increased registration fees to buy relaxers though (#jokes) I wanna put that on twitter but she might get angry and not see the joke. I wonder whats up with females these days and turning jokes against us. Y'all have made simple jokes complicated. 

On Vikings And Norsemen

I once said I can write a book about the street gangs(Starting off in schools) in Nigeria. It is weird I know so much but sometimes, I get really bored and I read everything about everyone. 

So two gangs (I still don't know why people call them cults seeing as they are not cults) caught my interest today and they are Norsemen and Vikings. 

Why these two? Because I think whoever set em up don't know the origins of these two people historically and culturally since they are almost the same.

Norsemen are a group of people who lived in present day Scandinavia. They were fishermen and farmers, just the usual life of old time villagers and they had their own weird customs and practices like they don't condole thievery but you can challenge someone to a fight and inherit the person's property if you win. 

So I get you wanting to name a gang "Norsemen" but Vikings? I dont get this since Vikings are Norsemen. 

Its a simple thing really, all Vikings are Norsemen but not all Norsemen are Vikings. How? 

Vikings are Norsement who have taken to a life of piracy and raiding other villages. They worship the same gods, have the same culture and still go home at sometime and might live like normal Norsemen. So I sit here and wonder how two different gangs can be called Vikings and Norsemen and still fight. You two are the same damn thing. Can't they come together and find a mid ground? 

This is like saying the (famous) Calvary of the Alafin of the (Old) Oyo Empire fighting with the Oyo Kingdom. When in essense, they are the same people. 

Anyway, I love the Norsemen (not the gang but the people) they brought us characters like Odin, Thor, Loki and Fenrir. Those who read Harry Potter will remember the name Fenrir Greyback but how many people know that he is historically Loki's son? 

I doubt people understand the cultural similarities with the Yoruba tribe too. 

Thor, is Sango. Think about it, with the hammer and the lightning and thunder. 

Loki (god of mischief) is Esu. 

The Norsemen have had great movies about them, including Madmax. Yup, Valahala things. 

Remember "The Mask" that starred Jim Carey? That mask belongs to Loki, the god of mischief 

Then there is the animated movie "How to train a dragon"

Hey even the 1999 movie "The 13th warrior" staring Antonio Banderas was about Norsemen.

I leave with a lovely quote from The 13th warrior
"Lo there do I see my father; 
Lo there do I see my mother and my sisters and my brothers; 
Lo there do I see the line of my people, back to the beginning. 
Lo they do call me, they bid me take my place among them, in the halls of Valhalla, where the brave may live forever. "

Odin bless the Norsemen. 
Thor bless the Vikings

Slut Shaming Women

In the words of a very close friend of mine, "you can be anything in life, just do not be an arsehole" you can be homophobic, racist, tribalist anything. Just make sure you are not an arsehole about it. 

I live in a society where culture is being replaced by religion. Folks are Christian and Muslims (I find the traditionalists kinds unique) culturally. They are Christian mostly because of where they are from and what kind of parents they have. They attend church services because it has become a culture and not because they want to build a relationship with their God which is what I think religion should be. 

I might be naive but to me, religion should be about man reaching out to who he serves and buiding a better religion between them via the teachings and ways of life of that Entity he serves but when you do it because "thats what we do", it is weird. I mean, you serve God because you have to not because you love him. You see Christians attend church service because they ask "what else do I do on a sunday morning?" Or "how can I leave the house without praying?" I mean praying before leaving is nice but he is not doing it to comit his day to God, he is doing it because his parents did and he is now. That has replaced believe and has turned into a habit, a culture which you necessarily dont believe. 

A friend once said he is sure low key, some pastors are atheists. I dont argue that becsuse sometimes you hear someone preach and you ask yourself if that person really beieves what he is saying. 

So welcome to the month of August. Finally July has passed with its wahala(which was numerous) and this beautiful beautiful month is here. Okay, this weekend was unusually long for me, maybe because I was counting down to it passing away or something but it was agonizing. These two boys got that loan they applied for, they got the money while I was ill, about 100k and well, I dont even want to ask what they did with it (cos it is gone) I am just looking at the both of them and thinking of the likely future senarios. 

Got into an arguement with a neighbor yesterday who seems to believe that all women have a weak spot for every man that they have had a relationship with before based on his experience with the women he has met and those he has seen. This dragged on for a while and even though I was defending women and telling him he cannot judge all women by the actions of the few he has met, I think I lost the arguement because 
1. I got bored and tired in the end
2. He is judged to have had a "colorful" past hence is more knowledgable than me. 

So now the male hoes are the ones passing judgment on the women due to their own deceptive and crazy lies. I keep giving up on the world. 

Ithink it did more when a certain guy begged and cajoled a girl into bed ony for him to call her a "fat bitch_" after sex. How does that happen? 

How do you sleep with a woman and then come to slut shame her? Does that not mean you yourself are something between not having taste and a male hoe? 
How does a man who is patronizing a prostitute go out to insult prostitutes, I mean, what does that make him? 
Maybe my head is not screwed on tightly enough or the world is just sick with a fever

Being A Yoruba Demon

Don't lets focus on what was lost (in terms of my strenght and life force) Lawd I hate being sick. That feeling of being useless and vulnerable and just lying down there without being able to do anything. To even pick up a spoon felt like I was lifting a car and my thighs, well they felt like there were blocks placed on them. I am still weak, I feel it; my head still aches, my legs still hurt and my eyes still stray but I can string em all together for a longer period without having to give in. 

Okay, so there has been talk that Yoruba boys are the worst of the worst. That they(wait, sorry we) are the best and have perfected the art of breaking hearts and we are all hoes. That we are all a pack of punny hungry, heart stealing, sense removing, lying, conniving, smooth talking bastards. Heck we are so horrible, they call us Demons. Hence the name "Yoruba Demons" am I one? *starts whistling and picks fingernails* 

But seriously, how do you prove you are not something that is a result of hasty generalization when people wont allow you finish before concluding that you are? So the best thing to do? Own the freaking slander. People want to call us demons, we owned it and turned it into an identity. Its inly human nature or in this case, demon nature, as I was typing this, a Telegram message came in and a friend called me a "DEMONator" this won't go anywhere. 

That's how one huge man-hoe here on NL who actually uses girls for target practice said he is better than me because he "gives the girls a taste of himself then he sleeps with em while me, I turn big brother or friendzone em" yes, I have that GEJ confused stance right now (if you dont know that GEJ confused stance, sorry) seriously, he just said if a girl shows slight interest in you, it is better to play along, have sex and disappear into the night raher than tell the truth. I am sure he attends more church services in a quarter than I do in a year… smh

So imagine this, I ask a girl out, girl says she has a fiancee, I say, "oh, sorry, it seems like I harrased you, wont happen again"
G: why
Me: Your fiancee. I wouldn't want to create problems as I though you are single. 
G: I am single oooo. He is a Bf
Me: same difference. I like to respect your privacy. 
G: This means you dont mean all you have been saying
Me: I like you but I respect you more

Now consider that exchange. I sounded like a gentleman right? An angel like guy with no demonic intention that they have appropriated to yoruba boys until the girl(and her friends) goes out and say you are a "jew" and know nothing as that was a test then I sit your young funky ridiculously silly arse down and give you a lecture. 

1. If you say you have a boyfriend, I assume it to be true and leave you, if it is a lie, that makes you a deceptive person, why would I want to date a deceptive person? 
2. If it is a lie and you said it to test me, you are manipulative. By Thor, Sango, Amadioha and all the other gods of thunder i dont know, why will any sane guy want to date a manipulative girl? 

Then you say he is not persistent cos he does not like you enough(I am here picking my fingers and laughing) would you rather have a persistent Yoruba Demon. That is available too oooo. And it comes with extra added feature of smooth talking, saying everything you like and even have the ability to make rain fall, most times, when you visit (we demons have evolved and can do things). 

Is there a moral to all these? Yes, it is right in my aching demonic head

Malaria blues

So I had to restrain myself to bed under blanket and all with this slight headache lingering somewhere. I hate this type of headache, you send a little probe down to find out where it hurts and come up with nothing as it is too minute to be detected by the probe but enough to feel. 

This afternoon, I got to know what being alone was about.. I wanted to buy meds and food (cooking is too much of a chore) and these two crazy "sons of wobe" that are usually around and do such were nowhere to be found. Apparently, they are processing a loan of 100k from some micro-finance group. They had asked me to stand as surety but lai lai, I am not about to buy anybody's loan if they default. What do they need 100k for sef? I hope this ends well sha. Hian. 

So I needed to buy meds and food, both of them were gone and I was looking like I would die soon. I stepped outside and thankfully, there was this young neighbor. I was eating my rice with minimal stew when they both came in with their usual noise. Seems the loan application has been signed and they will be getting the money tomorrow(today). Lawd, I cannot pay anybody's loan ooooo. These boys should not even dream it too cos I will pack a bag and travel to Abeokuta (or Ibadan) if poo hits the fan. A good thing they know I travel at 10 minute notice. 

So I used my meds yesterday afternoon, and I was supposed to take it in the night too but after a dinner of fried potatoes, I had my meds brougt and……i slept off. So I will just pop em this morning and hope no one notices. 

How Do I Stop Having Morning Elections?

So looking back, I try to think about what my new year's resolution for this year was. Frankly, I don't remember. See why I don't bother? It is hard work remembering you promised yourself something and harder to keep to it. Heck, the only new year's resolution I every kept was when I was 13 and made one to stop bitting off, chewing and swallowing my fingernails. 

How did that turn out? Well I have nails that are not strong hence they do not grow that long as every now and then, they break off but what they lack in strength, they have in sharpness. My nails can cut and sratch through a human skin without me even trying. I have had to appologise to many times and seen skin peel off people from my nails. This must be an evolutionary step right? 

This is why having ADHD is not good sometimes, I opened this to write about we Yoruba demons and try to give small insights but here I am rambling about new year resolutions and finger nails.

Just Imagine having ADHD and trying to ask a girl out. There is no amount of like or love you have that will keep your interest long; not when your brain is trying to do 15 things at the same time, heck I doubt my tab can do 15 things at once.

About this ADHD, there was a time I actually tried to string two independent thoughts at the same time. Of course I was in that (personal) magical age of 16 when I discovered I am a nut case and loved it. Yes I did it. I still have multiple thoughts though, more than one active thougts at the same time maybe that's why I live more in my head than the world around me. 

About this heamophobia. I should/could have been in the medical field, maybe A doctor or perhaps a vet but seriously, I have some serious heamophobia. Look, I have conquered almost all my fear except gamophobia and heamophobia. Gamophobia cos I enjoy it and heamophobia because when it comes to those thick red iron smelling salty liquids that gives life, I am a pathetic weakling and I shrivvle up in an almost death giving fear. I might mask it so no one knows but within me, I am counting numbers and trying to solve calculus questions in my head just to distract myself. 

I hate the sight of blood; be it mine, yours or an animals. 

Wait, I don't also carry babbies less than 9 months old. Why? What if I drop and/or break the baby? Sure, a baby is not that fragile(seriously?) but sorry, I can't carry one. Ask the child to come back when grown. 

Okay, that song is outta my head now, let me go look for my Vector album and do some rap music. 

And without trying to sound corny (even though it sounds corny) please who knows how to stop having morning erections?

Friday, September 9, 2016

I was robbed but my sense of humor was not stolen - Basketmouth

Basketmouth has confirmed the robbery incident in house recently and said that though the robbers made away with a lot of valuables, no harm befall him and his household. Also his sense of humor was not stolen.

"Yes I was robbed, yes they made away with a lot of valuables, the great great thing is they didn't steal my sense of humor. Myself, my wife and kids were not harmed, so we thank God. Big thanks to everyone that reached out, may God bless you abundantly.

Serena Williams Loses Place As World's No 1 Female Tennis Player

Serena Williams has lost her place as the number 1 tennis player in the world after she fell in straight sets to 24-year-old Karolina Pliskova in the US Open semi final on Thursday night, 6-2, 7-6.

Living at peace


I know we are all very familiar with this story of the widow and her oil in 2 Kings 4:1-7). 
Here was a woman who desperately needed God to show up. Her husband was dead, her debts were piling up and men were on their way to sell her sons as slaves. Things were bad.

She went to prophet Elisha for help and he asked her a simple question, “What do you have in your house?” (v2) All she had was a little jar of oil. It wasn’t much, but God used it to perform a miracle and met her needs.

The striking thing about this story is that little phrase in vs 5, “and she kept pouring.” After the first few jars were filled she sent for more because Elisha had told her to ask the neighbors for "a lot" of jars. In faith she kept pouring, and God filled every single one.

There is something i want to bring out in this story and the miracle God did for her.

Do you know that the extent to which she poured the oil was the extent to which her relationship with her neighbours ended? 

 She could only borrow from those she was in good terms and at peace with. 

Her miracle stopped where the number of jars she borrowed were full. If they were more jars, the oil would have continued to multiply.

What am I saying? Our attitude, character and relationship with people affect how far we go in life. When we are filled with hatred, bitterness and drama, we scare people away from us because we send out a bad aroma.

 You know why? 

bitterness, anger and unforgiveness invites the devil to take a space in our hearts and even rent a room and once he moves in, he stinks up the whole place then when we are in trouble, there is no one to fall back on for help or strength. People may even be willing to help but our pride and arrogance and bragging may not allow us to reach out to them for help. After all, who posing on top nothing EPP?(like we always say)

I see God showing up for us in all of our troubles, but we have our part to play in that process. Remember, our attitude determines our altitude.

Forgiveness and letting go doesn’t diminish justice; it just entrusts it to God.  

Lets learn to forgive, let go and cease the fire, be simple, be honest, humble yourself and ultimately be at peace with people around you.

We are blessed and all our prayers are answered in Jesus name.