jumia

Saturday, December 24, 2016

8 Things I Hate About Being Married To You

1.You are shouting something from somewhere, only God knows what you’re saying. So I look up from my desk and yell, ‘What did you say?” You shout back something, only God knows what you’re saying. So, I grumble to myself, get up, walk to the top of the stairs and yell, “What did you say?” And you shout back something, only God knows what you’re saying. So, I hiss to myself, walk down the stairs, to the door of the living room, and find you curled up on the couch reading. So, I take a deep breath and ask quietly, “What did you say?” And, looking totally surprised to see me there, you peer over your book and say, “Oh, I was just wondering where you were.”

2. If I ask upstairs, then ask downstairs, then ask before I start peeling it if you want dodo and you say, ‘No, no, no’. Then I peel it and fry it, sit down to eat it, and you sit opposite me – and in the name of ‘keeping me company’ – take one single dodo and put in your mouth. I hate it.

3. When I am sleeping and you wake me up because I am snoring. Honestly, before God and man, is it fair?

4. You complain and complain that you take care of everybody in this house from morning till night and nobody ever takes care of you. So I get up the next morning and say I will make you breakfast, and you act excited and follow me to the kitchen. Then I open the cupboard and select one pot, and you sigh like someone recently bereaved. So, I ask, ‘What is it?’ And you say, ‘That is my wok. I only use it when I’m making Chinese fried rice’. So I select another one, and you say, ‘Ehm, I don't use that frying pan anymore.’ And I turn around and ask, “Should I let you do this?” And you say, “Perhaps it is best”.

5. You come into the sitting room. I am watching a movie. You ask, “What is that?” I press the “i” button. You read the info and say, “This is a nice movie, why didn’t you call me?” I say, “Sorry”. You sit down. Three seconds later, you ask me, “Who is this man?” I say, “I don’t know. I have not watched the movie before.” Ten seconds later you ask me, “Is he going to kill her?” I say, “I don’t know. I have not watched the movie before.” Six seconds later you scream and ask me, “Will she die?” Honestly, I hate it.

6. You hold up 2 dresses and ask me to pick one. I do a quick ‘tun-bum-tun-bum’ in my head and point to the one in your right hand. “Really?” You look disappointed. “Doesn’t it make me look fat?” So, I point to the one in your left hand. “Really?” You look disappointed. “I think it makes me look short.”

7. When we are sitting at a table somewhere and a girl with a ‘look at it’ bum walks past and you immediately start looking into my eyes, and keep looking into my eyes till she has passed the point where I can only see the glory by very obviously turning my head… Honestly, before God and man, is this fair?

8. Now, you are frowning. So, I ask, “Is everything ok?” You say, “Yes.” And I go back to writing this article. Please, how is this ‘insensitive’?

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Political Disconnect Among The Nigerian Elite

Dear Nigerian Youth who wants to die for Nigerian politicians especially that youth who will fight everyone when his political hero is criticized, come closer. I have a message for you.

Inside this private jet, you will see the billionaire son Ahmed Indimi of billionaire Mohammed Indimi (he is the one in front to the right looking at the camera) who just married Zahra, Buhari's daughter, to his left, also in front, is his brother, Maikanti, who is married to Aisha Dangote and behind them in light blue is Babagana Sherrif, he is the brother of former Borno governor Ali Modu Sheriff and he is married to president Buhari's daughter, Halima, the one who just finished from law school.

Take a second look at your destiny as the children of the politicians have already arranged their own destinies. In this photo, you will see people from PDP and APC background from different tribes from different states but they are all united because the elite is all one big family. They do not care about any religious, political, tribal or ethnic difference, the only thing they care about is whatever agenda that will secure their future & guarantee their own prosperity & of their generations unborn. So before you die for your APC or PDP hero, or before you fight the entire community because of any of the artificial divisions created by the intelligent humans to control and subjugate others, rethink your life. Nobody send you o..

African Cities And Gated Compounds

These shots were taken in Westdene, Johannesburg. Sometimes, some things aren’t visible until much later. An innocent shot I took of the beautiful neighbourhood, it was till now I’m trying to piece together the striking similarities in African towns and cities. From Abuja to Dar es Salaam, from Addis Ababa to Accra, from Nairobi to Johannersburg, beautiful houses stand gated, with tall brick fences with electric wires. Sometimes barbed wires. And other kinds of security applications.

It reveals a certain fear, palpable and fossilised. It is all the more pronounced in the richer neighbourhoods. The irony: spaces of financial freedom automatically become spaces that lack real freedom. The rich can’t even stroll around their own beautiful neighbourhoods. You won’t see them without their escorts. One time I was jogging along IBB Boulevard in Maitama, I saw a Nigerian big politician cycling, with three escort cars following closely behind. I skipped to the other side of the road, before I’m deemed a threat. You know how it goes.

Funny that the morning this picture was taken, I went to jog around this neighbourhood which runs into in a man-made lake. A place so beautiful, you’d be lost in thought the moment you catch a glimpse of the colourful ducks squawking by the water banks. My friend was scandalised by what I did. “You did what?” he chastised, “That place is a no go that early in the morning. Dude, this is Jo’burg o!”

Everything suddenly began to make sense, the giant dogs I saw in almost every one of those compounds as I dragged my tired self back home that morning. Dogs so massive, they could pass for lions and tigers. On both sides of the road, they’d inch close to the iron perimeter fence to observe me. This meant that I couldn’t walk on any side of the side-walk, so I had to stand in the middle of the road, and stay alert for any incoming car. I didn't come all the way here to get eaten by a dog. No one would believe me if I told them I wasn't trying to burgle any home.

My neighbour in Umuahia here has built his house so fast, I can no longer see anything from one of the balconies of my apartment. Two months ago, this place was still an idyllic hideout with fresh and clean air to colour my evening. Now I can’t get any air or view from the balcony. Civilisation has dealt me a harsh hand. No one even knows how beautiful his house is. His tall fence has prevented that from happening, unless one comes in through the gate. He is ensconced in there, with all his wealth, yet terrified of any visit by uninvited visitors. This is the story of African cities, towns, and villages.

Wretched people can be wicked

Wretched people can be wicked sha. The joy they feel when someone they consider privileged than them is in trouble can only be topped by a head-splitting orgasm.

Parked somewhere, and less than an hour later, I've got a very flat tire. Its 6:15 PM and all I want to do is haul my battered self home after a long day, and not changing a spare. Besides, I noticed my trousers aren't the most comfortable for that kind of task.

A vulcaniser is on the opposite side of the road. I pass there every morning to work. I pass there every evening back home. I put some air in my tyres occasionally from that same man. A stout creature, with such shredded body, his veins look like they may pop out of his flesh any second. How could I have known he had Luciferian instincts too? What wrong did I ever do to him? Besides, if recession is just a word to a certain Minister, is it the same for him too? Why didn't he want to help me for a fee?

"Emechiela m", I've closed shop, he says. Of course, I could do the task myself, but why bother when the money I'd be parting with will be nowhere near the discomfort of dragging my tired self through that exercise. Isn't that why we are up early chasing this money like mad people; so we can be able to get others to do certain things we are too lazy, or too tired to do?
Vulcaniser insists. "Sah, I don pack my machine inside." At this point, it dawns on me that this one is a pure hater. Ezigbote onye akpo! What in the carajo is "I have packed my machine" when I'm not asking for air. Dude kept talking about his machine even when I'm making it clear all he had to do was change the spare, as I've got my own jack and wheel-spanner.

Maybe he wanted me to plead. Maybe he wanted to feel important. To feel powerful that one time. Probably thought I'd be stranded without his help so it can make him happy. I could see that look on his face; that suppressed joy of calculated devilry. Oh well, I got down, and did the job myself. If only to wipe the smug look off his face. I'm sure he wanted to wake tomorrow morning with the car still lying there, looted, a skeleton of it's old self. Mmadu ga abu ogbenye, biakwa buru amusu. Tufia!

Elections In Nigeria And Security Challenges: A Rivers State Personal Case Study

The following is first person narrative from  Mitterand Okorie who was a member of the INEC group that conducted the just concluded election rerun in Rivers State.

I don’t care much for politicians or what they say. The inciting nature of their pre-election comments, as seen especially from people like Oyegun, Amaechi or Wike makes for a terrible prelude to a highly important democratic process. Again, politicians I know. But you, you who claim to be human, you who claim to be knowledgeable and rational, it is you I truly call the scum of the earth.

You come on Facebook to become echo-chambers of politicians calling for ‘fire for fire’, ‘matching violence for violence’, ‘killing one of their own if they kill yours’, you who sit in the comfort of your wretchedly cosy homes to promote strife, it is you who truly are the filth from the filthiest gutters. You have NYSC Corpers, University lecturers, professors and accomplished academics, alongside other INEC permanent staff who are out there making sure the electoral process exist, these are the people you put in harm’s way. Not the armed political thugs who are often appropriately armed. Not the military. Not the police.

At few minutes past 12 midnight yesterday, those were the people the army was out there trying to save from the infamy of your lips, and from those you’ve asked to lust for the blood of others. I know, because I was there too, and just like them, gripped by the terror of a terrain one does not know. You idiots think this is a game. May you or your loved ones not be in the field someday, wondering, at the crack of every gunshot, if this was how it ends. Ndi iberibe. You stay on-line cheering for violence. You who cannot stand a dog chasing you in your sleep.

Since 2011, INEC incorporated the efforts of Nigerian University academic staff in conducting elections. These academic staff work either as Returning Officers (ROs), Local Government Collation Officers (CO, LGA) or Registration Area/Ward Collation Officers (RACOs). They work with other INEC permanent/technical staff in the field. The collation exercise moves along a bottom-up continuum.

So the RACOs (most likely a junior academic staff) collates the results from the Polling Officers (usually NYSC Corpers) and aggregate the scores of each party in the INEC form before them. They make sure to tally the total number of votes in each polling unit. They look at the summary of each polling station by consulting the Card Reader, and ensure that the number of accredited voters are not more than the number of total votes cast.

They comb for errors, especially mathematical ones, because any error made at this point (especially when the polling officer may have gone) would become more complicated when things move up the chain. You don’t want to be writing a report on miscalculation that did not begin with you.

Normally, a ward Collation Officer collates the result of about 2-5 wards depending on how much man power is available. After then, he moves his summary to the Collation Officer at the LGA level (most likely an academic with a doctorate degree). This person then aggregates the result of all the wards which were submitted to him/her by the RACOs. After doing so, he moves it up to the Returning Officer. The Returning Officer (most likely a University Professor) summarises the result submitted to him by the LG Collation Officer, and announces a winner in that particular LGA.

So, my University was chosen this time, just like University of Ibadan was chosen to help organise the Ondo elections. And on Wednesday last week, I received a message from my Dean informing me of being among those selected from my College. It is not mandatory, and at this point, you can decide to opt out. There is no obligation to go. You could ask someone else to go in your stead, or you could simply decline and stay home with no consequences whatsoever.
I accepted to go. And received the necessary training alongside others, which took up an entire day. INEC technical staff are always on hand to support you, so I would say a day training is relatively sufficient. On Facebook, everyone I knew was thanking God for having left Port Harcourt on the eve of the election. Yet, here was I going the opposite direction.

I really wanted to go, if only to say “I fucking did it!” I honoured a call for national service, and I know what it feels like to participate in an election as an INEC official. “I wish it wasn’t Port Harcourt, but this opportunity may never come again”, I said to myself. I know Port Harcourt. I know how violent it can get. Still, somewhere in the deep recess of my mind, I still felt, my childhood and teenage years in the vicious late 90s in Aba had prepared me for survival anywhere. I knew the risks, but I still wanted to go.

On Saturday morning, we head out to Okirika LGA headquarters, with a hilux of four armed MOPOL men containing election materials, and an INEC Official bus conveying the rest of us. Okirika opens up in the fog in all its riches and decay. There is more than 3 kilometres of oil tankers lined up for gas. You see the fire tower in the air that tells you there’s a gas refinery here.

The air itself was thick, heavy with gas that, unless you live here, you may struggle to breathe easy for a while. Pipelines crisscross the road, the walkways, beneath and across houses. There are more of shacks than mansions here. The irony of Nigeria’s wealth sitting alongside mass privation has never been so glaring.

When we got to the LGA HQ, there is a sea of Policemen, MOPOL and a good number of Army men. It gives you a sense of safety, until you discover which party each is working for. That’s when you start sweating profusely. That’s when you start feeling this whole thing wasn’t properly explained to you.

At the LGA Headquarters, a young, loquacious Mobile Policeman wouldn’t stop talking. He tells me how long he’s been in Okirika. How Ateke is the most revered man here, with at least 500 boys who have their personal assault rifles. Not the AK-47 he’s carrying, but high grade riffles that can fire 20 rounds in a second. How he’s never seen any place like this in his life; where human life feels like nothing, and where violence could easily be unleashed on a scale and level that is frightening.

“They don’t fear death here. They are not afraid of the police, or the army, or anything. They almost beat up an Airforce man at the ATM somewhere around here last week. You have to plead with them, not try to jump the queue because you wear a uniform. This place is not like any other place. Our madam, from Abuja, she addressed us earlier. She said, these are my people, and I must warn you, stay alert, and look out for yourself well. Here, the people have their hearts at their back.”

It was in the middle of that discussion that an INEC official in one of the polling stations ran into us sitting in the Electoral Officer’s cubicle, screaming in fright. “Them almost burn me for there. See my body, see my neck, dem pour petrol for my head, na only God know how I take escape. All the Corpers them run, we lost the card reader, the police wey dey there no hol’ gun. As I talk say I no go release election materials to them, everybody run, dem come hol me.” Indeed, the man, who may well be in his late 50s did smell of fuel. He looked shook; thoroughly frightened.

This happened at about 1:15PM but the man never left that cubicle until midnight when we all were set to depart. I wonder what was going through his mind. His ordeal however would give me a brief picture of where I was, and how things could easily escalate here.

In areas that proved restive or volatile, the military were called in to guard the ballot to the LGA Headquarters. In a case like this, the army would normally fire warning shots as they approach the gates of the LGA building. This, I believe, was to stave off any attempt by anyone lying in ambush to snatch the ballots.

On one particular occasion, and this was one of the last ballots that were returned (around 3PM) there probably was miscommunication, and the MOPOL men inside the building believed the shots were enemy fire. One saw these men rushing into a certain room, hastily throwing on their bullet-proof vests and corking their guns.

At this point, confusion rented the whole place. I am staring at the INEC officials I met on ground to explain what was going on. Were we under siege? Are we to start running for cover somewhere? Where was one supposed to run to anyway? From what, and from whom? What was one supposed to do? The fact that they too were equally confused served to heighten my own apprehension, and that of my colleagues who were in that block.

No ammo-vest, no firearm of your own. Can’t leave the building, not sure where to hide either; we just couched in the room, hoping that whatever was happening was not serious.

Thirty minutes later, we were moved to the collation hall, where the returned ballots were to be summarised. And that was where we knew we were in for a long night.

At the collation hall, APC party agents would turn the place into a Babel of sort. They would shout and harry us, slamming on our desks, with an abrasive and imposing air. Their ID, NNPP, LP, and PDP counterparts stand aside shocked at this total lack of decorum. They would disagree with any and every result. They would say they say “we won’t take it!” They would say the results were cooked.

First, we were not at the polling station; we are collation officers and are there to enter whatever was returned to us from the polling officers so long as the number of accredited voters were not more than registered ones.

The polling officers were there themselves to answer to the allegations of cooked results, and they defended what they brought very well. Okrika is a PDP stronghold, its Mama Peace’s Local Government too. One didn’t need to be a professor of aerodynamics to see why APC was likely to be trounced here.

Besides, all party agents sign the polling results before the close of polls. And in all of the results, there is an APC man appending his signature to signify that the process was free and fair. So why exactly were they preventing us from recording the same results? Of course, they were there to cause trouble!

One saw young men with glints of darkness in their faces, they had a strong scent of gin and whisky oozing from them as they hollered and shouted. You had a feeling you were probably dealing with militants without guns. But when we really knew shit had hit the fan was when we kept asking the Police to intervene and stop them from obstructing us, they scoffed at us.

The police sat in their seats, looking the other way, pretending to be oblivious of the commotion in the room, or the disturbances of those party agents. An INEC official next to me finally whispered what I too was beginning to think: “I think these policemen are compromised”, he said.

By 6PM, we were almost done with summarising the ward results. It had become clear at this stage that PDP had commanded a very wide lead, literary leaving the other parties for dead. Someone came into the hall, I strongly suspect, a PDP man. For whatever reason, he came up to where we were and told a colleague he had 1.2M Naira with him and since there were 6 of us there, we can split 200,000 each.

I don’t know how others felt, but I felt a chilling panic run through me. My colleague next to me whispers if I’m seeing what he’s seeing. I ask him if this man was trying to get us killed bringing that kind of money here. I have a lot of problems I can solve with 200,000 but I’m certainly not suicidal. It was bad enough that APC agents were accusing us of entering cooked results, to be seen receiving any sort of cash from anyone whatsoever, let alone someone that could be identified as PDP was a death wish. Frankly, what dominated our minds at that point was to simply complete our assignment and go home.

Clearly, for whatever reason he brought that money, perhaps, because he was certain his party had won, perhaps he was acting on some instruction, perhaps he was overjoyed, perhaps he was a Father-Christmas of sort, his presence there, with that wad of cash was endangering us. The police themselves had begun to look at us in a not so pleasant way. We tell the man we felt troubled by his continued presence there. And seconds later, we see a tinted Toyota Highlander leaving the premises, with a concealed number plate.

It is few minutes past 10PM. One of my colleague is restless. He’s so restless, his despair is near contagious. He speaks with his wife on phone every five minutes. “I don’t know what I was doing here. I don’t know why I waited here till it got so dark, and became so late. There is no way to get out of this place right now. I’m just going to wait and see how the police or army are going to help us.”

He blames himself some more as he drops the phone and turns over to me. He tells me he has a two year old son. And the way he calls him Daddy is the best feeling in the world for him. He said he shouldn’t have fallen for the disruptive tactics of those APC agents. That he should have abandoned the work altogether and made sure he left earlier in the day. Actually, without those disruptions, our jobs would have ended at most by 6PM.

But one of us got threatened, they said they’d kill him if he dared entered one of the results from the poll centre. It was from the previous suspended elections, but the result itself had been quarantined and not cancelled, so by INEC laws, were valid votes. APC agents would not agree. He too became very agitated at some point and told them to go to hell. That’s when they told him he won’t get out of there alive. We all got sucked up in the delay because we couldn’t just leave him there all on his own. We came together, even though as things looked—everyone was now set to answer their own names.

Pressed for options, I called Malik Shabbazz Abdulmalik. If you were trapped in a jungle, there are few people who could be as resourceful as Malik to get you out. After expressing shock at my current location, he forwards three numbers to me almost immediately, one, which he said belong to Ateke himself. “I’m heading out with Asari Dokubo somewhere now” he tells me, “I am very far, but call any of these numbers. Tell them it’s (*** ***) and they will help you to safety. Why didn’t you tell me you were in Rivers State? That place is not safe, but call any of those guys, they’ll come for you.”

I wasn’t confident stepping out of that gate with anyone I did not know personally. If Malik wasn’t coming himself, I said in my mind, then I’d just sit here and see what next happens. I just sit and watch the clock tick itself into midnight. Some arguments were still going on in the hall; to announce the winner of the LGA there or not to. I roam outside the hall for a while, wondering how a calm, serene morning turned into such a bad night.

An Army Major leads our evacuation from the premises. The winner will be declared in the City Hall back in Port Harcourt and not in the Local Govt’ Headquarters. The Major warns that it was the only measure to ensure our safety. At the gate of the premises, there are so many bodies; it’s hard to make out who is who. But they start dispersing as the convoy of Hilux vans approach the gate.

At the back of a Hilux truck, I am cramped together with about 6 Mobile Police men, each, armed to the teeth, complete with helmets and bullet-proof vests. One of them says something about me being big and occupying so much space and him not being able to position himself properly. One sits above my head, on the edge of the roof holding a powerful rifle. I don't know what it is, but it certainly looked bigger, and more sophisticated than an AK-47. "You go fit handle that thing so, abi make I come handle am?" the one by the other end asks him. He thinks he has a smaller weapon, an ordinary AK-47 and occupied a position that appeared rather too exposed. "INEC", one of them calls me, "carry that your bag, cover your chest". At this point, you begin to understand the difference between a Nollywood scene and a real time conflict situation. I try to imagine it was all a dream, but my phone starts ringing, and then I admit, it's all real. All of it. And it is me, truly, sandwiched in between armed men. They all start cocking their guns as the convoy of Hilux vans make their way to the gate of the Local Government Area building. And you are just there, praying that this is all precautionary, and you don't end up in a firefight. Suddenly, everything they said about elections in Rivers State was true. It is the hell they said it was.

Few metres outside the gate was where one of the military men spots me squeezed at the back of the Hilux with MOPOL men. He tells me there’s an empty military truck beside us and that I should quickly run into the back seat. There, I could finally breathe normally again. I lay down flat in the backseat, as the whole space now belonged notoriously to me. It was just me, the driver and one other soldier who occupied the car.

We were barely started on our way before we discover that up to 700 metres of road ahead had been laced with all kinds of roadblocks; big stones, planks, tires, metal drums, sticks, just anything you can think of. The military men jump down and split themselves. While some shot into the void, others cleared the roadblocks, as the convoy advance slowly. Two cars were spotted ahead, a Pathfinder Jeep and a Mercedes coupe. The occupants were forced out of the car, and asked to start running, as the army men kept shooting in the void, careful, I suppose, not to shoot at anyone. “Bad boys! Bad boys. Look at them, all bad boys”, one of them shouts.

At this point, I even notice that some of the guns were not firing properly. Hard to tell why, since the AK-47 is big on reliability. Perhaps bad ammunition, or simply old and worn rifles. Some of them had to drag something by the side of the rifle (not sure what it is) for the spent cartridge to pop out before they continue firing. Imagine one was in an ambush situation, such inefficiency would prove very costly.

In the back seat, I peep out for a second, I lay back for a minute. Despite whatever danger one may face, it's hard not to want to know what's happening around you. I could still see from my position the yellow twinkling of gunshots in the dark like Christmas stars. But gunshots are gunshots, each one sounds in your belly and remind you of the sound of death.

About a kilometre away after the roadblock, the officer on the passenger side points us to a dead, mutilated body, cut to pieces. “I pass here one hour ago, I no see this thing o! Why this people dey like this, nobi the same election dem hol’ for Ondo and Edo State?”

On approaching Eleme Junction, a most unfortunate accident nearly occurs. We see a Fulani herdsman from afar struggling to keep his cattle in line. And as if sent on a mission, one of the cows jump from the other end of the road and nearly runs into our Hilux. The driver, possibly preempted it and dodged appropriately to avoid collision. One wonders what cattle were doing on the road thirty minutes past midnight. “Walahi, if na for Maidugiri, I for shoot that cow!” the officer barks angrily.

After about 8-10 more kilometres, Port Harcourt city opens up to us, as the cars screech at the gates of the INEC Office. Everyone comes alive again.

I check into a hotel, and spend almost an hour in the hot shower. Its been nearly two days since my last bath. I don’t recall that ever happening in my life.

I just sit there, wishing somehow, that this hot bath is capable of washing off all that one had been through. Hoping to achieve some sort of cosmic cleansing; that the water splashes away the very last of Okirika’s greasy sweat off me.

I step out of the bathroom, and everything starts playing back.

“Rat! Baggars!”
“Rat! Baggars!” The words of the army men, as they emptied their clips, clearing the roadblocks in the dead of the night.
Somewhere inside of you, you struggle to accept that all of it was real and not some bad dream one could’ve simply woken up from.

The Progress Party

The Progress Party is not my idea. Whose idea it was is immaterial for me. Once I could ascertain that the motive behind it was genuine, I decided to volunteer, just like many others working behind the scene, to make a contribution. I’m merely here to help shape or define its identity. Personally, I don’t see it as a vehicle to capture power in the next 2, 3 or even 5 years. This is not to say it may not happen though.

The pervading mentality of the youth demographic needs fervent and urgent rehabilitation; and it is in this area that we consider such a political platform a thing of urgent need. A people cannot take charge of their destiny if they do not believe in themselves.

I see a number of people, being overly critical of this budding political group, but too much criticism never helps. In the past few days, I’ve seen what I consider bizarre questions couched as intellectual discourse. But we know this game too well. They keep saying: “but the Nigerian youth are divided”, “bring money now and everything will scatter”.

Of course, it is easy to see through this unintelligent, if not utterly misplaced rambling. In what planet, one may ask, do these people inhabit? Why is it an issue if the youth are divided? Must the world stop because the Nigerian youth are divided? Where in the world are the youth together? Are the American youth together? Are the ones in Britain who voted for BREXIT and their counterparts on the other side together? Are the politicians themselves together? I will not devote any more time on people who asks these kinds of question. I just want to state that we are buoyed by many, and I mean, an incredible number of young people asking in what capacity they can assist or volunteer for us. I am humbled by the level of interest seen so far. It’s been totally overwhelming.

Let me say something important here: in my University, the student population there is 18,000+, and there are 4 – 5 other tertiary institutions in Abia State who are more or less of a similar number. If all these students decide to vote for a youth candidate as a State Governor for example, someone that represents their aspirations, that person’s opponent would be in trouble.

But here is the interesting part: even if you were to promise those students tuition subsidies or better educational facilities, you’d be struggling to see any of them at the polls on Election Day. The girls will be painting their nails at the salon, fucking at their boyfriends houses or cooking indomine. And the boys would be in the field playing football. They’ve long concluded that their votes aren’t going to count anyway, they would have resolved that they are fighting a lost battle. It is this mentality that the Progress Party intends to dismantle first. They say we are noisemakers and that politics is not about speaking English. Well, pray this English doesn’t reset the minds of the dis-educated and dispossessed class.

MISSION STATEMENT
The Progress Party is a political party that will leverage on the grit, energy and innovation of Nigeria’s youth to transform our country into a place that benefits not only a select few, but all of its citizens. Our party is premised on the idea that the older generation, the generation of our parents have failed us; and since they are part of the problem, they cannot be part of the solution.
We summon, therefore, all concerned youths, irrespective of ethnicity, region, religion or geographical space, to come and own this dream, and together we can arrest the rot and misgovernance that has been visited on us by the current crop of rulers. Together, we will not only demand for proper health, economic, educational and security infrastructures, but have a platform to stand for elections and do these things ourselves. Together we can prevent old, tired gerontocrats with failed past to define our future.

We make bold to say that, the Nigerian youth demographic built Nollywood, we built the music industry, our technological inventiveness brought Mark Zuckerberg to Nigeria; we therefore believe we have all it takes to change our country. Through the Progress Party, we are carving out a political space to not only incubate ideas that will take Nigeria into the 21st century, but most importantly, to have a platform that will enable us contest for office and assume our rightful place in defining Nigeria's future and the future of the unborn generation.

Nigerians In Diaspora Are Helping The Economy

This year, Nigerians in the diaspora were reported to have remitted up to $35 billion US dollars. That is more than Nigeria’s annual budget. Where would this country be without these remittances from relatives or friends oversea, who provide these relief funds for housing, school fees, subsistence, medical attention, etc.?

The Nigerian diaspora, by virtue of this very important (though largely ignored) contribution, are perhaps the reason why the suffering back home has not reached a breaking point; why the hunger has not driven us all to a state of utter madness and chaos.

Many of those in the diaspora have long considered the Nigerian space unliveable, they have simply checked out, become members of new (progressive) countries, and the only reason they still keep their Nigerian passport is merely for the sake of avoiding the trouble of requesting for a Nigerian visa.

Nigeria, for this class of individuals represents a destination only fit for a week-long Christmas holiday, for which they can feel the warmth of a home they no longer completely believe they belong to. To change their dollar currencies to the Naira, if only to at least derive, first, the joy of giving, and second, to prove that indeed, the grass is greener on the other side.

The sad truth is that, each year these “abroadians” come back, they meet Nigeria in a far worse state than they left it. They may want to believe they’ve checked out, but can they completely check out when they have brothers, sisters, aunt’s uncle’s, fathers, mothers, nephews and nieces down here? Can they completely check out when all of these people that represent family or relatives remain under the siege of incompetent governance and dilapidated health and security infrastructures?

Personally, I have always supported the need for people to relocate to environments that support their dreams, even if such environment is located beneath the sea or adjacent to the Bermuda triangle. If there is a place better than this place, and you have the means; go! But now, I must add, if our answer to the rot here is to take our bags and run away, then we may as well be prepared to run forever, because it isn’t going to fix itself.

Note to the “abroadian”: the next time you return home, this place would be worse than the last time you visited. It’s not a curse, that’s just how it is.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Recession Induced Calculations

Two months ago, I landed Lagos from Johannesburg and discovered that the flight ticket for Air Peace to Owerri had tripled up. Air Peace is one of the very few businesses in Nigeria that works. I don’t blame them for the price hike; it’s a typical market reaction. Aero had become grounded, while Dana Air no longer plied the route. As a result, Air Peace gained monopoly of the route and actually take off and land in Owerri from Lagos three times in one day. If they put in a fourth aircraft, I suspect they still would fill it up.

On that particular occasion, I was told that there were actually no more seats for the flights to Owerri. “Only two seats remaining sir, and its business class”, the ticket officer said to me.
“How much?”
“Its 50,000 sir.”

Suddenly, my mind goes back to November 1, 2015. How can I forget? The day I bought a ticket 13, 400 Naira from the same airline. For the same destination. I was left asking myself, how come we couldn’t even attract foreign airlines that can at least come in to compete and drive prices down. Until I remembered where I was again: why would they come if they have to be bringing their own Marapco generators with them, their own healthcare service, their own schools, their own everything.

I went out of MMIA 1 terminal, just thinking what I would do. There are economy seats for the next day, and they aren’t that cheap either, but at least 35,000 is better than 50,000. And then I calculate that after I factor the cost of a taxi, and a decent hotel for the night, both will cost at least 15,000 or more. It may make sense to just huddle into the business class and get myself out of Lagos. But lo’ and behold, as I went back to the counter, the lady tells me that the two seats were no longer available. They were sold when I was outside doing my recession-induced calculations. Yet, a sea of bodies swarmed the entire airport, a whole lot more people had their cash but the aircraft were just not there.

All of these people go home, and they feel nothing; they don’t feel repulsed, they don’t feel troubled anymore of what the country has morphed into. They have accepted things the way they are, even when the space is constantly shrinking our dreams and impoverishing us the more. They forget that if they decide to get angry, to go home, and convince their family members, and ask those family members to convince their friends, they can create a mass ripple of outrage that can tear down the fabric of elite greed that is currently crippling us.

What do you want for Christmas?

What do you want for Xmas?

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Armed robbers attack UBA bank at Afor Ukpor, Anambra State

Breaking:
Armed Robbers storm Ukpor the home of Madam Speaker, attack UBA bank at Afor Ukpor.

Robbers Storm UBA bank Ukpor • Millions of Naira reportedly carted away • One person Injured.

Dare devil robbers armed to the teeth stormed Ukpor on Tuesday and broke into UBA bank at about 3:30pm, on a busy Afor market day, CFRmazine.com exclusively reports.

According to our correspondent who was at the scene of the robbery, the robbers numbering about 7 faced no resistance at all from the Police who were safeguarding the bank.

The robbery took everyone familiar with the area by surprise because the last incident took place about 15 years ago.
According to an eyewitness, the armed men came through the Ubu Osigbu river(Nnewi) on a black Toyota Highlander.

Upon arrival, a handful of them, in unarguably practised lightning speed, made for the door to bare their fangs.
They blew it up with an explosive which many people believed was dynamite.
The robbers had distributed themselves in groups with different assignments in the area and gunfire went on uninterruptedly.
Before they started robbing, one of the robbers approached the commercial motorcycle riders and market women gathered close to the bank and advised them to leave, informing them unabashedly that they were armed robbers and that they were about to start operation.

They told them point-blank to leave if they loved themselves. Within seconds, heavy sounding guns began to boom and confusion ensued.

The electronically powered door of the bank came down with its glass shattered, flying off as missiles.

Passersby on the ever-bustling road on Afor market day and customers of the bank fled, heading for nowhere in particular, some taking cover behind shops or just clutching raw grasses by the gutter.

Market women dived for cover and lay flat on the floor. The robbery lasted about 20 minutes.

The robbers succeeded in taking away yet to be disclosed amount of money in Ghana-must-go bags.

At the end of the operation, the robbers left on a Toyota Highlander through Ukpor-Isekke road, shooting sporadically. Bullet holes dot many of the windows of the bank.

The robbers were young and they did not cover their faces.
Meanwhile, one market woman was reportedly injured.

Ukpor is in Nnewi South L.G.A, Anambra State, sharing border with Nnewi, Ozubulu, Ihembosi, Okija, Orsumoghu, Ebenator and Utuh. It was pandemonium galore but thank God no life was lost.
As at the time of filing this report, Police men from the SARS division have arrived the area.

source: http://www.cfrmagazine.com/2016/12/photos-robbers-storm-uba-bank-ukpor.html?m=1

Obiano packages 10kg rice as 25 kg for civil servants

Obiano packages 10kg rice as 25 kg for civil servants
Reported by Mazi Odera

My state Government promised the Civil servants gift of Rice this Christmas , they announced that they will give them 50 Kg of Rice for Yuletide, then another magic started.

They went to Abakiliki and bought Rice, then printed a Rice bag which is 25 KG in size, they wrote ANAMBRA Rice on it, even though there is no place in the state where we have Rice Farm, unless we talk of Coscharis Rice, the one at Amichi (STINE Rice) is a bagging centre.

Not only did the Governor promise them 50KG of Rice but instead of giving them Rice as imported from Abakiliki, so they will enjoy the sweat of Igboland, we rebagged it and call it Anambra Rice, and instead of the 50kg ,we printed 25 kg, now instead of packing 25kg in the bag, they packed into some 8 kg, some 9kg and some 10kg ,the highest weights 15kg .

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Always make sure...

... that your loved ones are buckled up.

Top 5 ways Nigerians made money online in 2016

By Pascal Umeze (@pascalofficial)

It’s the last month of the year 2016 and I have decided to give account of some online businesses that helped most Nigerians cope with the economic recession.

As we all know, the Internet is growing rapidly and it is the best platform to share useful ideas with different individuals across the world.

But this same internet has been able to help people make money online working from their various homes. 2016 is a great year for most Nigerians as they’ve been able to make ends meet through online business to cope with the current economic recession.

There are series of online businesses today but I’ll list only 5 that made 2016 a great year for most Nigerians.

These businesses are:

Bitcoin (cryptocurrency)

Bitcoin business is not new but I must say that most Nigerians discovered this swift online business early this year. Bitcoin is a stress free business which does not involve any physical transactions between two parties. It only involves mining, buying and selling of coins which can be done anywhere. The value of this coin increases. And I have come across people who are doing well in this same bitcoin business and have been able to cope with the present situation of the country by investing in it.

– Online Importation

Most people in 2016 no longer indulge in offline importation of goods and services because they now do it online with ease and lots of profits. This business is awesome as you can make up to N300,000 in a week if you follow the right procedure and most Nigerians have grabbed this opportunity in order  to be able to cope with the present situation of the country.

– Ponzi Schemes

2016 is the year lots of ponzi schemes such as : MMM, Ultimate cycler, iCharity  came to Nigeria. All these schemes are platforms where people PH (provide help ) and GH ( give help ) they are schemes that are dubbed “rub Peter to Pay Paul” that is, they allow their participants provide help for themselves. Some of these schemes promise to give 30% or more to their participants in 30 days after joining them. These schemes have really helped most Nigerians who are participants cope with the current economic situation even though these schemes are likely to crash with all its participants money gone without any prior notice most Nigerians still prefer to take the risk in a bid to make ends meet to be able to cope with the economic recession.

– Freelance / Fiverr GIGS

This is another big thing that has rocked in 2016, Most people now sell their skills to prospective clients for money. These skills could be : writing skills, graphics design skills, web development skills, proofreading etc. These platforms have really helped Nigerians most especially the youths make a living from selling their skills online. Most people earn up to $15 – $30 in a hour just for doing what they love doing. And this has also contributed to helping Nigerians cope with the current economic recession and has also increase productivity and efficiency of individuals on the Internet.

– The Billion Coin (TBC)

Like bit coin, The Billion Coin popularly called TBC should not be left out as it has also helped Nigerians make ends meet by simply investing. Crypto currency operations is not centralized, it’s a digital currency in which encryption techniques are used to regulate the generation of currency and verify transfer of fund, operating independently from the central bank. Digital world has made people convenient without realizing, you can talk to people all over, you can snap chat everyone around you and send over, you can do video calls via Skype etc, so indeed the world is going digital and currency has to go with this evolution.

The Billion Coin (TBC) is a decentralized crypto currency like bitcoin but it operates in its own structure and formula which depends on the total growth of The Billion Coin community.

These online businesses listed above made 2016 awesome for many Nigerians who grabbed the opportunity to indulge in them and will still make more years awesome. I advise anybody who is into any of these businesses to continue because in years to come, almost every business will be done online and for those who have not grabbed the opportunity, should do so quickly in order to enjoy awesome benefits while they last.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Christmas Gift Ideas

You spend all day with your co workers, but come time for your annual gift exchange, you are still trying to figure out exactly what your colleague would want that also fits your pay range.

Worry no more, here is a comprehensive list segmented by industry. For Nigerians by Nigerians.

NYSC 
Chocolates
Towel
Packet of handkerchief
Eva wine

Teachers and Educational organisations
A cock or chicken
Small sack of beans
Tuber of yams
Bunch of plantain
Goat leg

Small Consulting Firms
Konga Wristwatches
Jumia Shoe
Balogun Market Fazecap and shirt

Jumia, CChub companies & other Nigerian startup firms
Modems
Flash drives
Headset
Laptop bag

 

Banks/ Insurance firms/ Investment Banking houses
Moleskin books
MiFi device
Alarm clock

Instagram girls company/ Media Houses
The full Bobrisky pack
Ali Xpress front closures
iPhone8 phone casing in advance

Advertising Agencies
Flat Screen TV
A backpack

Deloitte, KPMG, Pwc, etc
-Hp laptops
– Refrigerators
– Washing Machine

Chevron, Shell, Oando and co
-Macbook pro
-iPhone 7
-A tokunbo motor

Senators/House of reps members
A plot of land in WUSE
Websites worth N70m
A Twitter/Facebook account worth 10m

CBN, Aso Rock and co
A village in Mbiase
A Ghana must-go bag containing 0.3% of the National Budget
A carton of dollars

Via Naijasinglegirl.com 

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

This lady fell into the gutter

What will women not do in a bid to look great and beautiful? So this young woman wore high heels for the first time and fell inside the gutter.

Nigeria wonder banks in 2007/08

This isn’t a comprehensive list but these were the most popular ones.
1. Nospecto Oil & Gas
2. Wealthsolution
3. Sefteg
4. Silver Trust
5. Wealthgate
6. Tresure Fund
7. Positive Movement
8. Trade Masters
9. Manpower
10. New freedom
11. Artmaster
12. Pennywise
13. Kingdom Wealth
14. Dominion Global
15. Wisdom Investment
16. Devine Success
17. WealthBuilders
18.Wealthzone
19. MegaWealth
20.TreasureLine
21. Wilamas Ventures
22. Money Field Ltd.
23. Standard Chartered Securities Ltd.
24. The Broker Ltd.
25. GoldPower Unique Services
26. Fantastic Options Ltd.
27. Toddering Enterprises
28. Spring of Wealth Ltd.
29. Xenal Solution.

 

Hundreds of depositors lost money as the operators of the wonder banks closed shop and disappeared. Some depositors in Ibadan reportedly committed suicide. Nospecto Oil & Gas was the most notorious of these wonder banks. It was owned by one Alhaji Miyaki Abubakar and his two daughters. Alhaji Miyaki Abubakar was so powerful that each time the police went to arrest him, he ran into an Emir’s palace for protection. That is how he was able to evade arrest.

In all, the sum of N22,310,381,968.84 was fleeced from over 13,000 depositors.

Most of the investors went to their respective banks to either deposit money or do other legitimate transactions but were fooled into doing business with NOSPETCO. We are talking about retired civil servants, who had put about 30 or more active service years  to develop the economy of Nigeria. Worse still, no fewer than 25 out of the 13,618 investors were certified dead. Depression, high blood pressure and suicide.

Majority of them were retirees of the Nigeria Ports Authority (NPA), Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN), Nigerian Telecommunications Limited (NITEL) and the moribund Nigeria Airways. So, they simply lodged their retirement benefits with NOSPETCO, hoping to double or triple their investment in a few months. But that was where the trouble started

Will MMM collapse?

Will MMM collapse?

1. Anybody doing MMM obviously has money to spare, the real people who need help are there languishing.

2. Friends hardly borrow friends money now cos they'll rather invest it in MMM. Now if you can't genuinely help a friend because of MMM, then is it the person you are paying into his account that probably has millions worth of mavro that you are helping?

3. People with money won't even help assist or fund startups, of course why would they invest in the humble startup of a fellow nigerian who is struggling to make a name for himself when they can put the money in MMM and get 30% monthly.

4. There are a lot of brilliant minds who need people to fund their Ideas, but instead Nigerians would prefer MMM. Have you ever wondered why there are no crowdsourcing companies in Nigeria.

5. Truth is This MMM is not helping anything, they should just rename it to Provide money and receive money dazall. If the stuffs fold up now, People will be crying up and down , but one shouldnt be cryiong when he "helps" someone out of the magnanimity of his heart now should he?

I don't have any issue with anybody o. but that providing "help" is kinda misleading, another name wouldve been better

if the scheme collapses, what will you tell the person who calls you saying that he was the one who gave you help last week and that you should help him, even if is just 10 percent of what he paid you, saying it was all the money he had or maybe one he cudnt afford to lose.

You'll prolly say wrong number and warn him not to call you again. Then he'll drop his phone and from then on anything cam happen, depending on how weak his heart is.

Is MMM A Scam?

Is MMM really a scam? 

Like for yes OR share false?

People often say that MMM "helps" people, and there is no central account. Okay. But do you really need a central account to scam people? 
Here is how MMM makes its money. 

They create a database of accounts (Names, contact details, bank accounts) they cycle through for payment. Now these accounts are not regulated by any external individual . They are regulated only by the administrators of the scheme. So if after paying out for the first six months to nine months to generate "goodwill" and trust, they decide to slowly start keying in new account details of fronts operated by them, it won't be noticed. Remember, schemes like these depend on "new intakes" to cover up irregularities. It makes sense that they used Christmas time rush and also extra bonuses to milk the sheep. Genius scheme if you ask me. 

Why does the Federal government want MMM banned? A scheme Nigerians are using to help themselves? The national assembly are just too wicked! They are busy "chopping" our national cake but will not allow this God-sent scheme to see the light of the day. God Pass them" ... and a thousand and one more quotations showing how desperate and ignorant Nigerians could be about ponzi schemes.
It is no surprise as to how passionate Nigerians could be about get-rich-quick schemes considering the fact that the current recession is really biting hard. In fact the level of passion exhibited by Nigerians about this scheme has forced many participants to write open letters to Federal authorities warning them to desist from any attempt to be a log in the wheel of their "progress' . Some have become irrevocably too sure about the sustainability of the pyramid schemes, especially, MMM. I am not here to question the sustainability or otherwise of MMM scheme neither am I trying to pacify you to leave the scheme; I am here to tell you that MMM has not and will never improve thegenerality of life in Nigeria with the following facts.

(1) MMM has no central account. This well known fact should be a source of worry about the owners' source of income and the sustainability of the scheme. MMM does not not have direct access to your money and thus, does not invest it in order to grow it. Why is MMM being selfless and 'patriotic' in ensuring the smooth running of the scheme? How the heck does it gain from the scheme? Below is the answer to the puzzle.

(2) It may shock you to know that just like you and millions of other participants, nothing prevents MMM from "providing help" and "getting help" from a scheme they created.As the first investor in its own scheme, imagine the millions and chains of referrals in their 'downlines' and thousands of guiders that constitute its team. I may be wrong in the figures , but the number will be quite humongous. Is the amount of money MMM makes enough to pay millions of their participants 30-40 % returns on their investments and 10% to the referrer? Hell No! Then how the heck are they able to keep to their promise of settling investors? 

(3) Liken MMM to a large mansion where you have to pay the occupants some money before you are allowed entry into the house. Once you are allowed into the mansion, you have to wait for another stranger who has to pay you 30% + 100% of your money before he could be allowed to live with you. Most times one stranger may not be able to foot the bill. He is merged with one or more strangers to pay you. In other words, the sustainability and longevity of the scheme will rely on the number of new tenants and the amount the new tenants are bringing to the table ( as well as the willingness of old tenants to renew their rent). Will this huge Mansion one day collapse? Or more likely, will this huge mansion ,one day be deserted? Definitely! How? Read below.

(4) Who pays the old tenants? New tenants or old tenants who are willing to renew their rent pay the old tenants. Literally, if you provide help by paying a tenant, the same help will be reciprocated to you with 30 to 40% bonus for being a good kid.Will there be a situation where I will provide help and not receive? Yes.. in the event that new tenants stop coming. But what can really discourage new members from coming?

(a) When everybody have become tenants. In the very near and imminent future, this will be the case.

(b) When the mansion( scheme) has become old such that new tenants decide to look for other houses (schemes) with better offers ( MMM united, MMM japan MMM Illorin) leaving old members stranded in an a state of panic.

(c) when old tenants refuse to renew their rents and decide to rent a house( scheme) elsewhere

(d) when the money new tenants pay as rent is smaller than what the old members are waiting to be paid- Old members paid millions of Naira but new tenants are bringing peanuts because of the reason below.

(e) when there is fear and uncertainty. "Will they ever unfreeze mavrodi accounts after a month? is this an end time sign?" This will of course decrease "investors confidence" and will either make new tenants to stop coming, reduce how much that is being invested or make old tenants not to renew their rents. 

(f) When old members, from their profit start building their own mansions in form of houses, cars , business- thus cutting the chances of reinvesting in the scheme which will invariably reduce the amount of money in circulation.
What will be the fate of old tenants waiting to be provided help? Your guess is as good as mine. Will this result to the crash of the scheme? Yes. How soon? I do not know. Why do I think MMM is not a helping scheme? Read below.

(5) As you have now known or previously knew, MMM will one day crash but the date, hour, minute, second is uncertain. What if it crashes? Will the totality of Nigerians be happy? A big No . Why? Let me make a simple illustration. Let's say at the point A,B,C,D paid to E,F,G,H , the system crashes. This will create equal amount of Joy and sorrow. In other words, we may even have more mourners than "merriers" in most cases where many people are merged to pay few persons. 

What have I achieved by writing this epistle?

a) I have established that MMM and similar schemes are not cast with steel. They will one day crash.

b) I have succeeded in establishing that MMM does not improve the generality of the population. Where you rob peter to pay Paul and create equal helpers and stranded 'beggars' does not imply help.

c)I have succeed in reducing your passion for ponzi schemes which is typical of productive nations. Let us be more creative, innovative and productive. MMM has really lead to brain drain in our agile youths.

Is it biblically, Quaranically, morally right to rob peter to pay Paul? Share your thoughts.

Has MMM crashed? MMM freezes all accounts till next year

Has MMM crashed? That's the question on the lips of many participants of the popular money doubling program, MMM.

An MMM Guilder has written to answer all your questions.

MMM IS REAL, MMM PAYS, MMM IS HERE TO STAY!!!
TAKE IT, BELIEVE IT AND ACT ON IT.

Before now, I passed a message to you all, that there will be pause mode in mmm in the month December.

The admin, CRO and support team of mmm as a body never hid anything from us. We were informed before now. Just that we did not know what day exactly it will kick off. But were informed long before now.

Ask those who joined mmm last year at it's inception, there was pause mode too. And it lasted for two weeks or so.

Your mavro keeps growing in this very period. Your money is safe. We were told about this at the Guiders meeting and we were directed to inform you all as soon as it commences.

We should stop panicking. Stop giving haters of mmm the impetus to laugh and mock us. There is nothing to worry honestly.

Infact, I provided help of 400,000 just yesterday, but I'm aware yet I did. The reason being that I am confident of the system. I also want to benefit from the bonanza bonus been giving to all participants who donate between now and first of January.

The authority will not do that in the first place if Mmm is crashing. Do you know why, because this money does not go to them, it circulate among the participants and does not get to the admin. So mmm does not profit anything in the real sense.

Your money is safe, your mavro still grows. January is not far from now.

Guiders were not told when this pause mode will take effect and the reason been that the Guiders will cause the system to collapse because they will want to get help of all their bonuses. So we got the news same way you got it . But we all were preinformed that there will be pause mode in December and I did also informed you all about that.

For those who are matched to provide help, please go ahead and pay, your money will not be lost.

MMM ALL THE WAY

Funny Jokes To Make You Laugh

Laughter is known as a great medicine and a joke a day, they say, helps keeps the doctor away. So here are some of the funniest jokes to make you laugh out.
....

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
........

Sean's been to the pub drinking stout all evening. He's very drunk and it's late.  The barkeep announces "Last Call!"  Sean protests and the barkeep tells him, "Sean, it's time ya drink up a get yeself home." Sean hoist his drink and drains it and commences to get up from the bar stool.  Thud! He lands arms and legs akimbo on the floor.  He struggles to rise but unable to do so he resigns himself to crawling out and literally drags his drunk ass out the door.  

He reaches the street corner and attempts to pull himself up on the pole. Thud!  Again he lands arms and legs akimbo on the sidewalk.  He struggles to rise but unable to do so he resigns himself to crawling across the street. This continues for several blocks Seans attempting to rise and falling to the street with a loud Thud.  Fortunately he lives reasonably close to the pub and 45 minutes later he's dragging his ass up the walk to his front door. 

Exhausted now and still drunk he finally reaches the door to his home. He struggles to pull himself up to get the key in the lock.  Thud! He lands arms and legs akimbo on the ground.  He struggles to rise but unable to do so he somehow manages to get his door unlocked.  Fearing the worst if his wife awakens and finds him in this condition he crawls as quietly as he can manage to the couch, covers himself with an old wool blanket and immediately passes out.

He's rudely awakened at 9 am by his wife leaning into his face screaming Sean, ya drunkin' sot, ye were fluther'd an piss'd agin les night!  He rubs his red eyes and says, "How do ye know wot I was doin' gowl? To which she replies, McDuff at th' pub called this marnin'.  He said ya left yer fockin' wheelchair there again ya manky gimp!
.....

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
....

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a  question. 

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a  bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For  a second, everything was quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look  mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of  me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap  would scare you so much." 

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my  first day as a cab driver -- I've been driving a funeral van for the  last 25 years."
...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
....

Monday, December 12, 2016

Are you a husband material?

You took the girl you want to marry home to see your parents and she didn't drink the water she was served because the water didn't look clean and she went straight to your car to get a bottle water instead, She refused to use the shabby-looking toilet your parents are managing because she feared infections and also complained so much about heat that you had to move into a hotel the next day, but your parents got angry over her conduct, convinced you that she is not a wife material. You agreed with them and start keeping away from her... My brother come close, listen very well... YOU ARE A FOOL. A compound FOOL.

You get money to chase woman, buy car and lodge for hotel...But you no fit renovate your papa house, at least and improve their living standard. Like I said, YOU ARE A FOOL. A COMPOUND FOOL.
There is something called STANDARD and you don't expect a woman who has planned her life very well and worked so much to get to where she is to come and eat shit because you wanna marry her...please go home, Charity begins at home, my nigga!

You have to ask yourself first if you are a husband material

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Bishop Akan Weeks Still went ahead with ordination after building collapse

Reports reaching us is that Bishop Akan Weeks of Reigners Church still went ahead with his ordination at Abak after the church building where the ceremony was supposed to be held collapsed killing close to 200 people.

How can a supposedly Man of God be so unfeeling and uncaring?

This Pastor is so insensitive and God will judge everyone, How can this pastor go to gospel city in Abak to conclude the Bishop coronation process while 100 people were still trapped in the rubbles of his collapsed church? The building caved in from the rear giving the people in front some ample time to escape, he and his Bishop guests  escaped most unhurt and he still insisted on getting crowned as the Bishop same day in Abak. That is a Crown of blood and a throne of blood. 

Akwa-ibom Church Building Collapse Might Have Been Caused By Negligence

This ugly incident was 100percent avoidable. This is why I kinda put a clause a very sickening clause on the order of Christianity today. The owner of this church knew quite well that the tensile strength of the metals used as the skeleton of this church will not and CANNOT withstand the crowd that was coming for this ceremony. This is a fact, they tried to do some shoddy renovations last last and then left the lives of these innocent people to FATE.

I do not doubt the fact that some church owners are ritualists but this is a case of human errors. The building was rushed. Those roof and other metals were installed about three days to the ordination. That morning work was still ongoing. The pressure ofrom the large audience and the sound system that was blaring that morning shook the entire place to the ground. There was not enough pillars for the structure.The metal was weak, the church took in a capacity that is 50 times more than what it can carry, during the worship people were singing, dancing and clapping putting further pressure on the metals, the structure had to bend to the side that carried more weight and caved in. The weight I am talking about is not just the people sitting on the floor of the hall, those ones that were packed upstairs, ie all around the center were the chief cause of this disaster.

The metals were originally made to hold the roof, ie the canopy but due to the way we manage everything in this country they decided to make setting arrangements up there in layers without doing any quality assessment.

Look at the number of people that lost their lives, Stella, as at evening yesterday, the death toll was approaching 200, this is almost like a plane crash. This is totally avoidable, more people are dying and are in critical care in the hospital. I know what I am saying, the death toll now would have reached 200. I don't blame the sick idiots, they won't count children as number of people that died afterall, they are not human beings. The people responsible will go Scott free. That I am sure.


How is it possible for such a mighty structure to stand with no pillars to support the building?. The crane used simply gave way due to lack of support and secondly, there is a huge ravine at the back of the church which makes the soil texture very soft and it cracks often.


Official Statement Of The Akwa Ibom State Government On Church Building Collapse

The Governor, who was among the worshipers at a special enthronement service of the founder as Bishop, Apostle Akan Weeks was visibly shocked, after he escaped death by the whiskers, while more than 80 persons at Press time were reported death. 

The Church ceremony was also attended by high profile government officials and political class. Meanwhile, rescue operations were ongoing even as the state government has set up a panel of enquiry to investigate the cause of the incident. 

A statement issued signed by the Chief Press Secretary to the Governor, Mr. Ekerete Udoh and made available to newsmen said, the Governor has appealed for calm and prayers for the injured as the situation is being reviewed. 

The statement reads, ‘‘Government of Akwa Ibom State wishes to commiserate with the families of those affected by the collapse this afternoon, of a church building along Uyo Village road.

‘His Excellency, the Governor of Akwa Ibom State, Mr. Udom Emmanuel was present at the church service during the incident and thereafter personally supervised rescue operations and the evacuation of the injured to the hospital. He has directed that the full resources of the State Government be made available for the treatment of those who were injured in the unfortunate incident. 

‘‘A high-powered panel of enquiry is being constituted to ascertain the immediate and remote factors leading to the collapse of the church building with a view to forestall the reoccurrence of any such incident and bring to book any persons found to have compromised professional standards in the construction of the building. 

‘‘In the meantime, The Government of Akwa Ibom State is appealing to all citizens of the state to remain calm and pray for those injured while avoiding undue speculation as the situation is being given the best possible attention’’. 

More than 50 corpses have so far been deposited at the University of Uyo Teaching Hospital morgue as rescue operations led by the Commissioner for Works, Mr. Ephraim Iynang-eyen was still on . 

Clergies billed to attend the bishopric ordination of the founder and presiding Pastor were; Port-Harcourt based Pentecostal preacher Apostle Zilly Aggrey, Apostle Tim Gbasha, Bishop Mike Laju, Bishop Yomi Isijiola and Bishop Elijah Mboho amongst others.

Via Vanguard

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Toke Makinwa Stuns on the cover of Vanguard Allure

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Beautiful couple. Wishing them a happy married life and marital bliss.

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But how can we help you in asking for forgiveness, when we don't know what sin you committed, ehh Omawumi? Abi you stole Waje's man?

Well, Waje forgive and forget.

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Here are photos from the disaster.

Which Nigerian Celebrity Made More Media Wave In 2016?

Which Nigerian Celeb made more impact on the media scene in 2016? Who in your opinion had more contributions, either positive or negative in just concluding year?

I think
Tiwa for crashed marriage!
Wizzy for awards
Phyno for most played songs
Falz and Simi for Chemistry album.
Also, Yemi Alade seemed to be everywhere this year.

What do you think? Which celeb owned 2016?

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Queen Gift, a Botany graduate of Olabisi Onabanjo University, Ago-Iwoye, Ogun State was born in Anambra State.